The Choice (a Painful Past)

42

Darlene was my brother's wife.

"I know. I just hate it." She said, morosely.

Mom wanted to help everyone she could, but sometimes, it just wasn't possible.

"Me too, Ma. Me too." I sighed.

"Anyway, now that she's in jail, Charles and Darlene have custody of Ben and Destiny. They don't know how long she's going to be gone." She informed me.

Destiny was Michelle's other kid. A little girl that was 9 months younger than Ben.

Apparently, she didn't know how to use condoms or birth control. I shivered at the thought of birthing two kids so young in life. I mean, she wasn't in school anymore, but she wasn't working either.

Or, I didn't think that she was. I knew that she got money from a few men that she knew, but apparently, she was selling drugs too.

Other than that, Charles and Darlene had been supporting her and her kids.

"Yeah, I figured." I replied. "I hope she can get straight. I'm so tired of people choosing drugs over their family."

"It's not that simple, honey." She said. "They can't help it. It's a disease."

I shook my head. "No, Momma." I responded. "I don't believe that. Maybe they can't help it after they become addicted, but it is their choice to start using in the first place, knowing that they can get addicted. Knowing what it can do, because they've seen it happen with so many other people in our family. Just like me, with smoking cigarettes. I'm addicted now, but it was my choice to start in the first place, knowing that it could lead to addiction."

She was quiet, for a moment, before she answered me. "I know you're right, but I think that they think it won't happen to them. They think that they can control it, and then the addiction just takes over." She replied. "I know that they don't want their lives to be this way, Callie. We just have to pray for them."

"I guess." I replied quietly.

I couldn't stand drugs, and it pissed me off when people chose them over their family. I had seen my mother go through too much pain with my sister, and so many other family members.

Thinking about this brought the conversation with Will back to my mind. He had taken something that he didn't even know what it was, just to get high. We were going to have to talk about that.

I felt my chest tighten with anxiety, when I thought about having that conversation with him.

"So, Ben and Des are pretty much taken care of though?" I asked. "I mean, Charles and Darlene were already taking care of them anyway."

"Yeah, they're okay. I just hate that they won't have their momma. Babies need their mommas." She replied, sadly.

I smiled, wistfully.

"Yeah, babies always need their mommas. Even when they're older." I said.

"I love you, baby girl." She replied, with her voice full of emotion.

"I love you too, Momma." I answered. "With my whole heart."

She disconnected the call, but I still held my phone, staring at it. I don't know what I would have done without my Momma in my life. She was literally my rock, my angel, my heart.

If I ever became a mother, I would be amazing if I was only half the mom that she was.

I spent the rest of the day just relaxing and recuperating from the night before. I found some of Will's weed that he had left, so I rolled a joint and went out onto the front porch to smoke it. We lived in a pretty rural area, and there were trees blocking my neighbors from my view on each side of my house.

I wasn't worried about anyone seeing me. I lit the end, sucked the potent smoke into my lungs, and held it there until they started to burn. When I released the breath, the smoke billowed out in front of me, then sifted away in the light breeze.

It was so beautiful and peaceful out here. The sun was shining, and the temperature was just right. It wasn't hot and it wasn't cold.

Like Goldilocks said, it was just right. I giggled at my own stupid thoughts. I watched the butterflies floating around the flower bushes that lined our fence, and the hummingbirds dart from bush to bush.

There were even honey bees and bumblebees floating around, singing their buzzing tune. I leaned back in my fluffed up chair and stared out into the sky.

What was I doing with my life? I mean, I was only 17, but I had stupidly quit school. I had to look into getting my GED.

I would do that Monday.

What college would accept a GED though? Probably just a technical school. I guess that was better than nothing.

I thought about my dream to go to a University and study American Literature, journalism, or creative writing. Anything to do with reading and writing. That's the only things that I was actually good at.

Well, I was pretty good at playing the clarinet too, but I had quit band back in 9th grade. I had been 1st Chair though, and was considered the best clarinet player in the school. I had even helped win a couple of competitions with my solos.

At one time, I had thought that maybe I could get a scholarship for that. Guess that wasn't gonna happen now. No, I was going to have to settle now, instead of trying to follow dreams that were no longer relevant.

I sighed and lay my head back. God, it was so cozy out here. The warmth of the sun lulled me into a dream state, and my eyes drifted closed.

How long was I going to make Will wait before I told him that he could come back home? I wasn't sure yet. I wanted to make him work for it, but I wasn't sure that I would be able to stand my ground, when he started using his pretty words.

His pretty words always touched my heart.

Sleep claimed me and the dream state began. I was in the middle of a corn field with corn higher than my head, spread out as far as the eye could see. The sky was beautiful and bright on one side of me, but on the other side, it was almost pitch black, with thick storm clouds rolling in.

Lightning flashed and thunder rolled in the distance. I shivered against the cool wind that hit my skin. Goosebumps popped up along my arms, so I rubbed them, trying to fight off the chill.