The Choice (a Painful Past)

105

I knew that was a ridiculous thing to even think. I was too young and had no heart issues, but I knew that heart disease ran in the family. That is what killed my dad after all. Mom pushed a loose lock of hair behind my ear, then lay her hand on my cheek.

"No, honey. I saw your daddy have a few of those and I don't think that you would be fine right now, if it had been that. Why don't I go with you to the doctor tomorrow? Just to be safe."

I nodded and wiped my face again. "Okay." I replied, pitifully.

I sounded like a wounded child, and I hated every second of it, but I was glad that I had my mama. I wasn't used to being on this side of things though. I was here to take care of her.

Not the other way around. She had already done her part of taking care of me. Now, I was supposed to take care of her.

The thought made me hate myself even more.

Why couldn't I do anything right?

"Are you okay now?" She asked, softly.

I nodded and wiped my hand across my face.

"I'm okay. I think that I can go to bed now."

She looked at me for another moment, then dropped her hand from my face. "Okay, but you call me, if you need me."

"Yes ma'am." I replied.

She leaned over and kissed my cheek, then stood up and left my room. I brought my knees up and wrapped my arms around them, then rested my head on top of them.

What was wrong with me? I knew that I wouldn't be sleeping any time soon, so I pulled my laptop towards me.

Before I even realized it, I was back on Facebook, looking at Kelly's page.

Why? Why was I torturing myself?

Why did I still fucking care about Will? Seeing pictures of them together still made my chest throb painfully. It didn't make any fucking sense and it was starting to piss me off.

Then, I did something that I knew I shouldn't do. I snagged a picture of Colby from one of the fan pages, and attached it to my Facebook status.  I made sure that the picture looked like a regular shot, instead of professionally done.

"Absolutely LOVE reconnecting with old friends :)" I typed.

I knew that I was only doing this to make Will jealous, but I didn't care. I was tired of seeing all of the pics of him with Kelly. I was tired of being tagged in memories with him. I was tired of him still texting me, calling me beautiful or sexy. I was tired of hurting all the fucking time.

I clicked on the little blue button, before I could change my mind. Then, it was done. I stared at the post for a moment, wondering what in the fuck I had just done.

"Shit." I murmured.

Was I really ready for the backlash that I knew I would receive from Will about this status? No, probably not, but at least, all I had to do now was ignore him. I didn't have to sit there and listen to him scream at me, or watch him punch walls, or throw things.

It would be fine...I hoped.

I knew that I still couldn't sleep, so I went to Netflix and put on some horror movie. When I woke up the next morning, I almost felt like I had a hangover. My mouth was dry, my body ached, and my head was throbbing.

I groaned, knowing that I had to get up and get dressed, to go to the doctor. I woke Ben up so that he could get ready for school, then woke my mom. I didn't have an appointment, so I would have to get there super early to have any hope of being seen as a walk in.

I ended up waiting outside for about thirty minutes, because I got there too early, then another 30 minutes for them to call my name. My mom was with me the entire time, and I was thankful for that. I usually did everything on my own, so it was nice to have a little support this time.

"Good morning, Callie." My doctor said, when she walked into the room.

"Good morning." I replied.

"Why don't you tell me about what happened last night?" She suggested.

I nodded and went into detail, explaining everything I had felt. She listened, then took my vitals again. The nurse had already done that earlier, but I guess she wanted to recheck.

"Okay, everything comes out as normal. Can you tell me what you were thinking or doing when this happened?" She asked.

What had I been thinking? It was such a blur now. Sex. I had been thinking about sex.

There was no way that I was going to tell her that, especially in front of my mom.

What else had I been thinking of? Oh, yeah. Sex with Will.

"Um...I..." I stammered out.

I shot her an apologetic look, then glanced at my mom. She smiled and gave me a slight nod.

"Can I get you to step outside the room for a few moments?" She asked my mother.

Mama didn't look happy about it, but she nodded.

"Of course. Is everything okay?"

"Oh, yes. Nothing to worry about. I just need to ask Callie some personal questions, and I think she may be more comfortable doing that if no one is in the room." Dr. Sealy answered. "You can come right back in, when we're finished."

"Okay." Mama replied.

After she stepped out of the room, Dr. Sealy looked back at me.

"Now can you tell me what you were thinking of?" She asked.

I swallowed hard and nodded.

"I was thinking about...sex." I replied, instantly feeling my face heat up.

I probably looked like a damn ketchup packet right then.

"Anything in particular?" She asked, giving no reaction to what I had said.

I appreciated that.

"Well, it started off with me just missing it. It's been a while." I replied, looking down at my lap.

There was no way that I could look in her eyes and talk about this. It was embarrassing.

"That brought the memory of sex with Will to my mind. The good times. But then, I remembered how I didn't want him to touch me, but didn't tell him no. That happened a lot. I didn't want to make him mad, so I always let him do whatever he wanted." I replied, noticing that my voice was getting lower and lower.

I was practically whispering.

"Is that when the attack happened?" She asked, gently.

I looked back up and nodded.

"Yes ma'am. That's when it happened."