The Choice (a Painful Past)

168

TW//CW// COERCION RAPE AND TRAUMA! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

I took a shaky breath, but it didn't help calm me down. This was the hardest part to talk about. I didn't want to see myself as a victim of anything, but when I thought about this particular time, it really got to me.

I could tell that Colby was angry. I could feel it, like waves of heat just radiating off of him. I had to give him props for remaining calm, though.

Jesus, I had made a mistake when I chose to tell him everything, but there was no turning back now.

I wiped my eyes and pushed on.

"The more he got into it, the more pain I felt. I started to cry. He just kept going, while he asked if I was okay. The look in his eyes though...I couldn't say no. So, I just nodded my head and dealt with the pain. I cried the entire time. When he finally finished, I couldn't move my arm at all. The pain was too severe. He didn't seem to care all that much. He brought me an ice pack, kissed me, then laid down and watched TV. I injured myself a lot, when I was with him. I always did everything alone. Even if it was something that I shouldn't have been doing by myself, I did it anyway, rather than ask him for help. All because I didn't want to deal with his anger. In turn, my body couldn't take a lot of it. I have so many things wrong with me now, because of that. Every single time that I got hurt, it didn't matter. I still had to take care of myself and Ben, and still provide him with sex, no matter how much it might've hurt. Seeing as how he didn't work, he wanted sex a lot. That's all he ever wanted from m-me." I choked out the last sentence to my horrible story and let the sobs take me.

It was like the alcohol had ripped off the Band-Aid that I had put over this huge, gaping wound inside of myself.

"Callie." I barely heard him over my sobs and the white noise inside my head.

My name whispered from his mouth barely reached me. But it did reach me. I slowly looked up and met his gaze again.

"Now you know." I whispered. "Now you know just how fucked up I am." He scooted closer to me, reaching his hands towards me, but I shied away from them and shook my head. "No. I can't. Please don't touch me."

His hands dropped, but I still couldn't free myself from this filthiness that crawled beneath my skin.

"Do you still love him?" He asked, quietly.

I sighed, letting out a heavy breath.

"I don't know." I replied, feeling ashamed. "I'm not in love with him. I know that's usually something people say so they can break up with someone, but it's also a real thing. I'm not in love with him, but I do still have love for him. I shouldn't. Not after everything. He was a big part of my life though. My other half for a very long time. I feel like so much of it was bad, that I tend to forget the good times. But there were good times. He was my best friend. The only person that I had to rely on. I should probably hate him, but I just can't. Sometimes, I think I do hate him. Then, I realize that it's not him that I hate. It's what he does, or how he treats me and Ben. I hate what I allowed him to do to me. That wasn't his fault though. It was mine. I let him do it. I stayed in that hell, when I shouldn't have. He only did what I allowed him to do. So, that's on me. I did this to myself. God."

I wiped my wet face and prayed that my nose wasn't running. I regretted opening up to Colby now. I didn't want anyone seeing this side of me.

This stupid, damaged little girl that lived inside of me. I never wanted to be this person.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you all of that. Thank you for letting me vent though. Colby, I have to know that you won't tell anyone what I've told you. Not ever. No one knows about all of it. Sherri and Denise only know bits and pieces. My own mother doesn't even know most of it. Please don't tell anyone." I hated the way my voice went into a pathetic whimper at the end.

I was begging him. Pleading to someone that I barely knew anymore, after I shared the deepest, darkest, ugliest parts of myself with him.

"I won't, Cal. I promise. This is your story and it's up to you to share it with whoever you want. I'm so so sorry that you had to experience all of that but thank you for telling me. For sharing your story with me. I'm sorry that I wasn't here for you." He replied, gently.

I shook my head, still fighting the emptiness that threatened to consume me.

"It's not your fault. I pushed you away. I pushed everyone away. Everyone except for him. I didn't even realize that I was doing it, until it was too late. If Shawn hadn't supplied him with weed, I probably wouldn't have stayed in touch with my own cousin. I got lucky with Denise, because he never went to Ben's scout meetings. That was the only time we saw each other, unless he needed weed from her. I guess I should be grateful that they took what they could get from me."

We sat in comfortable silence for a while. I turned around, letting my legs dangle off the edge again, so that I could look up at the sky.

A couple of minutes later, Colby did the same. After I don't know how long of us doing that, he finally spoke.

"Is it okay with you if I kill him? I really wanna kill him, Cal." He sighed.

I glanced away from the sky and over to him. His eyes were still focused on the inky blackness above us. His face was relaxed, despite his words.

"No." I replied, shaking my head.

He looked over and met my gaze. I saw a touch of anger there. I wanted to look away, but I took a deep breath and stayed in his grasp.

"Why not?" He asked.

"Because I don't want you to go to prison over something like that. He's not worth it. If you're gonna go to prison, it should be worth it." I said, smiling a little.

"It'd be worth it to me." He muttered.

I didn't reply. Just shook my head and looked back out at the horizon.

"Can I touch you yet?" He whispered.

I kept my gaze averted, because those stupid ass tears pricked my eyes again. I nodded though. When I felt his arm go around my shoulders, I let him pull me into his chest.

I relaxed there, in his warmth. I felt safe here. It probably wouldn't last, this feeling, but I had to take what I could get.

I remembered what he had said, about kissing me. I didn't believe him though. I knew that we had nothing between us.

There was no way. He was just being nice to an old friend, who was in a pathetic way. I was so embarrassed about the way I had acted.

I still felt the effects of the alcohol, but it was just a lazy, laid-back haziness now. Like, I wanted to eat and go to bed soon. Maybe watch some TV before I did.

Shit.

"Colby." I whispered.

"Hmm?" He murmured.

"How am I getting home?" I asked.

He was silent for a minute or so, before he answered.

"You're not. You're staying here. None of us can drive."