The Choice (a Painful Past)

92

"Thanks Mom!" He exclaimed, while keeping his eyes back on the screen now.

"How was it, honey? Did you have fun?" Mama asked.

"Yes ma'am. It was nice. Denise did my nails for me." I replied, holding up my hands so that she could see them.

I really liked the deep emerald green that I had chosen.

"Oh, I like those. She might have to do mine next." She said, with a smile.

I could see her watching my eyes and I knew that she could tell that I had been crying.

"You okay?" She asked.

I nodded and felt my eyes start to tear up again.

I fought to hold them back and nodded.

"Yes ma'am. Just tired. I'm gonna go to bed. Do you need anything before I do?"

She shook her head. "No, I'm okay. If I do, I'll just ask Ben to do it."

"Okay then." I replied. "Goodnight. I love you both."

"Goodnight baby." She said.

"Goodnight, love you, forever n ever, Mama." Ben said, using our nightly saying to each other.

"Love you forever n ever, babe." I replied, softly, before I opened the door to my room and walked inside.

I had started the "forever n ever" thing the same night that Ben came to live with me.

I had gotten it from that movie with Adam Sandler, Click. I eventually got Ben to watch the movie with me, and he loved it. We never went a single night without telling each other that, even if it was through text when he wasn't home.

If he fell asleep before we said it, then I would go pull his shoes off, kiss his cheek, and whisper it to him. My life had been surrounding him and Mom for so long, I didn't even remember what it was like before. I barely remembered what it was like before Will.

Who was that girl? I felt like I had lost her completely.

That night, as I crawled into bed, I swore that I would figure out who I was, as a person, and not just as someone else's girlfriend, daughter, or mother. If it was possible, I was going to do it.

Time kept going, and month after month passed, with Will still in my life. He texted, he called, he asked to come over and see Ben, and he asked me to bring Ben to see him.

"I can't this weekend." I replied, with a heavy sigh.

"Why not? You got other plans?" He asked.

"Yes, actually." I responded, without giving him any further details.

I hadn't mentioned Kelly to him, but I was still pissed about it. I knew that I had no right to be pissed, and that if I wanted him back, all I had to do was snap my fingers. Not gonna lie, I had thought about it.

I was lonely, and it would be so easy to just fall back into my old life...but I couldn't. I wasn't happy in my old life. My mind was just playing tricks on me, bringing up the good times, instead of reminding me of how many bad times there actually were.

"What are you doing?" He asked, pushing me for an answer.

"We have a party to go to, and then we're having a night with just the two of us." I replied.

I didn't owe him an answer, but I knew that he would just annoy me until I gave him one.

"Oh, so I can't join in on that." He said, with a sarcastic tilt to his voice.

"No. This was planned before hand and it's just for us." I answered.

"Okay, fine. I see how it is. Well, what about Christmas? You had him on Thanksgiving, so I should get him for Christmas. I'd like to get you too, though." He replied.

"I'll bring him over for a little while on Christmas Eve, if I have the gas." I sighed.

I hadn't tried to let Will see him on Thanksgiving, because he hadn't asked. Ben didn't say anything about it either, so I didn't bother.

Why should I force him to be in Ben's life, when he wasn't even when he lived with him? He was too worried about fucking other girls and doing as many drugs as he could.

"I gotta go." I said, cutting off whatever he had been saying.

I hadn't been listening.

"Wow, okay. I guess I'll talk to you whenever then." He said.

I could hear the affronted tone in his voice.

"Yeah, sure." I replied. "See you."

I disconnected before he could say anything else and hung my head. I was so tired of this. I needed to just get away for a while or something.

This was draining me.

"Hey Mom, is it almost time to go?" I looked up and saw Ben standing in my bedroom door.

"Yeah, baby. Just give me a minute. Here, take the keys and go warm up the car." I replied, as I held the car keys out to him.

His eyes lit up, as he took them.

"For real? Like, for real, for real?" He asked, excitedly.

I laughed and nodded.

"You know how to start the car. Just do that. NOTHING ELSE."

"Okay!" He replied, then darted back down the hallway.

I heard the front door slam shut and knew that this simple thing had just made his day.

We were going to Xan's birthday party, at his parents' house, then to our local discount store to grab lots of snacks, and then back home to have a YouTube marathon. The party wasn't too bad, but it was kind of awkward, since I didn't know anyone there, except for Denise and Mikie. Both of them were busy, so I was mainly just standing in the corner by myself the entire time.

When we finally got into the car to leave, my entire body relaxed, and I let out a sigh of relief. Getting the snacks didn't take too long, then we were home. While I got everything set out for us to snack on, Ben chose a YouTube video.

I assumed that it would be some kind of gamer, because that's usually what he watched. I set everything out onto a serving tray, then took it into the living room. We had salami, crackers, cheese squares, grapes, strawberries, cream cheese dip, and then the unhealthier snacks, like chips and candy.

"Wanna watch Poiised?" He asked me, when I sat down next to him.

"Yeah, sure. Anything you want." I replied, smiling at him.

"Okay." He said and started the video.

Poiised was a good YouTuber for him to watch, because he didn't swear and he was funny. We watched a few videos of him playing scary games and laughed together, when he would scream louder than anyone I had ever heard.

"Oh, I forgot!" Ben exclaimed, grabbing the game controller.