The Choice (a Painful Past)

162

I shut up for a moment, to collect my thoughts. It was still really hard to talk about all of this. I think it was partly because I blamed myself for staying in it for so long.

I hated to constantly think about how fucking stupid I was.

I took another deep breath and started again.

"After a few years, it just got to be too much. I was sick of arguing. I was sick of always fighting over the same things. I was sick of him being mad all the time and taking it out on me, just because he didn't have anything to help him escape his own reality. So, one day, I just shut down again. Every time he would yell, I tried to get away from him. I physically and mentally couldn't deal with it anymore. I think my brain was trying to tell me that. I think that I may be catatonic right now, if I had stayed with him. The ultimate avoidance." I laughed but it sounded hollow.

It wasn't funny.

It was better to laugh than to cry though...right?

"So, there's the answer to your question, in great detail. Yes, he did physically hurt me, but not really. It was the mental and emotional damage that destroyed me." I whispered.

Why was I telling him all of this?! Fuck this. I was never drinking again.

"Forget I said that." I added in a rush.

"No." He replied, immediately.

It sounded like he spit the word, through gritted teeth. I didn't look at him, because I was already fighting the urge to cringe away from him, just from his tone. I knew that Colby would never hurt me.

It wasn't that. It was just...I had thought that about Will at one time too. For some reason, my mind couldn't differentiate between Will and other guys.

Colby took a deep breath, like he was steadying himself, then spoke to me gently.

"I want to know. If you want to tell me, I mean. I want to know whatever you want to tell me. Any of it. All of it. Please."

I let his statement hang in the air for a silent moment.

Did I really want to tell him more? God, he probably already thought I was a total headcase.

"I haven't told anyone these things, Colby." I admitted. "Except my therapist and that's still a work in progress. You're gonna think I'm so stupid, or weak, or both. I am stupid and weak."

I drank a few swallows of my drink, to try and hide the fact that my eyes had filled with tears. I ended up swallowing a lot of air too, so I burped like a grown ass man, when I was finished. I didn't even bother looking at Colby or feeling self-conscious about it.

I was literally already laying my life on the line with him, so I just giggled and wiped my mouth.

"I won't think you're stupid or weak." He replied. "The girl I knew could never be either of those things."

I let out a short, sarcastic laugh and shook my head, feeling the despair sinking in at his words. I turned to look at him and met his soft, blue gaze.

"That's just it though, isn't it? You don't know me anymore." I said softly. "I'm not that girl anymore. Just like, you're not that guy."

"I don't buy that." He replied, sternly. "We are still those people. We've just experienced things that have changed us. Some good and some bad, but those kids are still inside of us. We're still the same people. Now, you can make excuses not to tell me anymore than what you've already said. I won't judge you. But if you want to keep talking, I'll listen. That's all I can offer."

I chugged the rest of my drink and tossed the empty cup into the sparse parking lot. I watched it bounce off of someone's car and giggled.

"Oopsie." I said, as I enjoyed the floaty feeling in my head and body.

I was definitely drunk.

"Okay, I'll tell you. You probably won't get a chance of me being this open again. Alcohol is a miraculous, stupid thing. What do you want to know?"

"Anything. Everything. I already told you, whatever you want-"

"Whatever I want to tell you. I know, I know." I interrupted. "Only there's a lot of shit that's happened, Colby. I can't go over every single thing. I need a starting point. Help me out here."

He sighed and patted my leg. "See? Still got that stubborn fire inside of you. How about telling me about the yelling? Is that a good starting point?"

"I don't know. What else am I supposed to say, besides he yelled? A lot. At first, it was any little thing that would set him off. I accidently sat on an old CD of his and broke the case. It was just the case. Not even the actual CD. He flipped out. That was the first time he actually scared me. I kept quiet and hid my tears, until he was over it. Then, he apologized, and we went about our lives. Did I ever tell you about him screaming at me after my cousin, Marie's, funeral? Just because I didn't lean on him when I cried. How fucked up is that? I don't know why I stayed after that. He was just always so apologetic and swore he would do better. Said he needed me." I hiccupped and shook my head. "He only needed me to take his shit out on. To see just how far he could push me. And I just kept taking it. I don't like yelling and arguing. I never have. You know that. I don't like confrontation. He made my aversion to it even worse. I need another drink."

I started moving to get up, but Colby placed his hand on my leg, stopping me. As shitty as I felt, that contact had my skin buzzing with electricity. Something I hadn't felt in years.

I never expected it to happen with Colby.

"I'll get the drink. I feel like you might topple over the gate or something. Stay seated. Promise me?" He replied, as he hopped up from his seat.

I nodded and looked up at him with a smile.

"Thank you, bestieeee!" I giggled. "You're the bestest."

I knew that I was acting like a total idiot, but I couldn't really be bothered with caring right then. I felt like shit when I thought about my relationship with Will, but I felt so great just sitting here, talking with Colby. Even if it was about shitty things.

I hummed to myself while he was gone and looked out over the parking lot.

What time was it? I felt around my pockets to get my phone and check, but I couldn't find it. I thought about getting up to go look for it, but I didn't really feel like it.

Plus, I had promised to sit still. I was sure that someone would notice my phone ringing, if there was a problem. Damn it, I needed my phone.

I sighed and started moving to get to my knees. While I was trying to work out how to stand, Colby walked back outside.

"Hey, you promised!" He exclaimed.

I looked up at him, from my position on my knees, and just smiled.

"I need my phone. In case Mom or Ben call. I have to get it. Otherwise, I would've been a good girl." I replied, before I started trying to stand again.

I grabbed onto one of his legs to help pull myself up.

"Whoa!" He exclaimed. "How about you sit your drunk ass back down and I'll get the damn phone?"