The Choice (a Painful Past)

103

Why didn't he ask me for my number?

Or call me through Instagram?

Even a video? I didn't have the confidence to do it, but I assumed that he would do it, if he wanted to talk to me or see me. So, that meant that he obviously didn't.

I was just a 'written word' friend.

While that thought hurt, I accepted it. If that's all he could give me, then I would take it.

I still hadn't succumbed to Denise's advances to take me out with her and Bryon, or to her trying to set me up with one of his friends. I just didn't want to. The thought was terrifying.

I never really dated when I was a teenager. I didn't know how to do it then, and I definitely didn't know how to do it now! No, I was fine by myself, for now.

Maybe in the future, but not now. Now was the time to work on myself and figure out who I was, and who I wanted to be.

Will still accused me of seeing someone else, or said hateful things to me, or started his 'woe is me' act.

Eventually, I didn't even post anything on there anymore. I turned off my active status so that no one would know that I was online and checked Facebook occasionally. Facebook was still deleted from my phone, but the urge to check it was too strong sometimes.

So, I checked it on my laptop. Kelly had moved in with him, and his parents, and he had proposed to her. The thought hurt a little bit.

By this time, it had already been about a year since I had broken up with Will, but the loneliness made me miss the good times. He had always loved me more than anyone else, even if he had a crappy way of showing it. I didn't want him back, but it did hurt to think that he wouldn't want me anymore.

Neither of them worked though, and they had no shame, so I would always see posts on Facebook that said things like "Broke and hungry. Can anyone help us? We haven't had anything to eat in three days. Please, help us. I always help everyone, but when it comes to me, no one wants to do shit."

Things like that and worse. They were always begging for money.

I found out that Kelly would go with her brother, a few cities away, and stand by the side of the road, begging for money. When no one would give them anything, the Facebook posts got mean and hateful, cussing everyone and everything. Just reading them made me anxious and gave me flashbacks to when Will would yell so aggressively that I would just shut down.

I didn't understand how they could act this way, constantly begging for money. I could never. Even if I was down to my last dollar, I would never be able to beg anyone for anything.

Hell, I didn't even like to ask for help from family and friends, much less beg total strangers. It was mind blowing, the things that they would do to get money, instead of just getting a job.

I ended up taking Ben to see Will a few times. Every time that I did, Kelly would always get in the car with me and start spilling her guts about her relationship with Will. I didn't want to be her friend, but I was too nice to say it.

She told me about how she kept catching him cheating with other girls, and how he begged her for a threesome with other girls. She told me how he hit her, pushed her, and even choked her. I was in shock.

He had never put his hands on me. Maybe he was scared of my family, I don't know.

"You shouldn't put up with that, Kelly. That's not okay." I said, quietly.

This wasn't my business, but I couldn't stand for a man to put his hands on a woman.

"I know." She sighed. "I just love him so much. He said that he was going to change and try to treat me better. I believe him."

I shook my head. "Yeah, he promised that he would change for me, for years and it never happened. You do what you want. This is your relationship with him, not mine. I'm just letting you know my experience."

"I know." She replied, as she looked down at her lap. "I have to give him a chance though. Besides, I have nowhere to go, if I decide to leave. I would be homeless."

I didn't know what to say to that, so I stayed quiet. Conversations like this happened often, almost every time I took Ben to see Will.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore.

"Kelly, no offense, but I can't do this anymore. I understand that you need someone to talk to, but I've already lived through all of it. I don't want to live through it again, even if it is someone else's story. There are only two choices for you. Either stay with him and learn to handle the situations or leave him. That's it. I can't help you with anything. This is your choice." I replied.

She held my gaze for a moment, before she let it drop back down to her lap, then nodded.

"I know. Thanks for listening." She replied, sadly.

I immediately felt bad.

"Look, I'm sorry, okay? What I mean, is that I can't make the decision for you. I can't give you some quick fix that will make him change. If I could, I would've done it for myself. I didn't want to let him go. I had to, because the relationship was killing my soul. There is nothing that I can say or do that will make this easier for you, and I really don't want to relive it." I said, as I put my hand on her shoulder.

She looked up and gave me a worn, beaten down smile.

"Thanks Callie. I appreciate this." She replied. "I guess I better go."

I followed her gaze to see Will glaring at her from his front porch. Ben was walking towards the car.

"See you." I replied.

Will finally saw me watching and his entire demeanor changed. A happy smile crossed his face, as he threw his hand up to wave at me. I lifted my hand in return, then looked away.

Anxiety riddled my body for the rest of the day, and I didn't understand why. I was so on edge, that I screamed at Ben, when he yelled while playing the game. I hated this feeling, whatever it was.

Colby messaged me back eventually, and that helped to calm me down a little. I smiled when I thought that. Just like he used to, so many years ago.

He kept me sane.