The Choice (a Painful Past)

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He held my gaze, with tear filled eyes.

"I could try." He pleaded.

Again, I shook my head.

"I wouldn't believe you, even if you did find the right pretty words." I replied.

Tears stung my own eyes, then slid down my cheeks. As much as I wanted to be free, I did still love him. I hadn't lied.

I didn't love him like before, but I did still carry love for him. He was a huge part of my life, and it hadn't all been bad. Just mostly, or maybe that's mostly what I remembered. I wasn't sure.

If marijuana really did affect the memory, then that could be where a large chunk of my memory had gone. I stayed high A LOT back then.

I had quit shortly after Ben came to stay with us. Every time I tried to smoke after that, I got these really bad episodes, where I felt like something horrible was going to happen and I couldn't shake that intense feeling. It was grouped together with my chest tightening, and the inability to breathe.

I thought I was having a heart attack, so I quit. I missed it. Just that lightweight, floaty feeling that left you with no worries.

I couldn't even remember what it was like to have no worries.

"I'm still going to try." He said, bringing me back to reality and out of my head.

"Please don't." I begged him. "It's not going to matter, Will."

"I don't believe that. You've said that before." He replied, determinedly.

"I know." I whispered.

I licked my lips and tasted my own salty tears. It hurt more than I thought it would. I thought that I was so emotionally dead, that ending things with him would really have no effect on me.

I was wrong. It hurt so badly, like someone was taking tiny strips of my heart and peeling them off, one by one. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

I felt the pain, acknowledged it, then pushed through it. I would die, if I didn't. When I opened my eyes again, they were dry.

I wiped my face and met his gaze.

"I know what I said before. All of those other times that we've been through the breakup process. I wasn't ready those times. I wanted to be, but I wasn't strong enough and I didn't want to hurt you. I realize now, that can't be helped. If I don't get out of this right now, I'll never be able to, and I'll die here. You may not see it, or even understand it, but you're killing me, Will. I can't do it anymore. I just can't."

He was crying heavily by this point, so I looked away from the screen. I hated it when he cried. It used to bother me because I didn't like to see him in pain, or upset.

That was still true, but not as much now, because most of the times that I had seen him cry was all put on. A show. Something he did to bend me and maybe others to his will, when he realized that yelling didn't always work.

I knew that this wasn't completely a show, because I knew that he did love me, in his own way. As much as he could love a person, I guess. I was pretty sure that he was a narcissist by now.

I hadn't known what that was, when Denise first called him a 'narcissistic asshole,' so I looked it up.

I was amazed with how many characteristics Will actually showed. He was self centered, manipulative, demanding (not in a good way), and almost every other item I came across. I didn't believe that he was a bad person, because I knew that he had a good heart.

He just wouldn't put anyone over himself, and he wanted the recognition, IF he did help someone.

"But, I love you, Callie." He cried. "I won't ever find anyone like you. I don't want to. You're it for me. You're gonna find someone and it's gonna kill me. I will kill myself, I swear. I won't be able to handle it."

I sighed, and had to stop myself from rolling my eyes. It was always this way with him.

"That's bullshit." I said. "I won't find anyone else, because this relationship has fucked me up way too much. I will never be able to trust anyone again and that's fine. I can be alone. You can't. You'll have another girl, probably as soon as this call is over. It's gonna hurt, but it is what it is. I gotta go, Will. I can't talk about this anymore right now."

He sniffed, and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. "Okay. Can you call me later?" He asked, almost whining.

I shook my head.

"No, I'm going to bed soon." I replied.

"Oh...okay. I love you, Callie. Goodnight." He responded, with his voice thick with tears.

"Goodnight Will." I said, then quickly disconnected the call.

God, I really missed smoking weed in that moment. I leaned back on the porch steps and looked up at the stars again.

A memory of another night, from years gone past, popped into my mind. Of me and Colby Brock, my long lost best friend, sitting on top of a roof, with me sobbing into his arms because of something that Will had done. I wondered where I would be, if I had left with him and Sam.

Probably already moved back home, because big city life wasn't for me. I would always be a small town girl...it was nice to think about though.

I wondered what he and Sam were up to nowadays. God, they were 23 years old now. That was insane.

I couldn't even picture the two skinny band geeks being that grown up. I knew they hadn't moved back home, so they had to have made something out of the life they had chosen.

I pulled out my phone, downloaded Instagram again, and searched up Colby's name.

"Oh my God." I gasped.

The scrawny little kid that I had adored was nowhere to be seen. This guy had over a million Instagram followers, and he most definitely wasn't scrawny!

"Wow." I breathed out, as I ran my finger over a shot of him wearing no shirt.

He most definitely had made it, or was well on his way. The amount of comments telling him how absolutely amazing he was, and how hot he was, was ridiculous. I smiled to myself, wondering how he took the compliments.

I hadn't realized how much I missed him. I guess he was just another person that I had shoved out of my mind, because of Will. I had become a pro at ignoring my feelings and pushing people out of my life.

I smiled sadly, as I came up on his very first Instagram post.