The Choice (a Painful Past)

44

I may not have had a crush on him to begin with, but he had stolen my heart without me even realizing it. Someone finally wanted me. Not as a second choice, but as a first choice.

He wasn't just taking the break up and leaving me alone. He was fighting for me. That made my heart swell even more.

Yeah, he shouldn't have done what he did, but he was inebriated. He made a choice that he normally wouldn't have. He made a mistake.

My phone rang then, stealing my attention away from him.

"Who's that?" He asked, as I picked my phone up.

Colby's name was on the screen.

"No one." I replied, as I declined the call and put my phone in my pocket.

He raised his eyebrows.

"No one?" He asked, with a crooked smile. "You already got another boyfriend, Cal?"

I rolled my eyes and laughed. "Yes. He's a billionaire, who takes me out to expensive restaurants, and showers me with jewels." 

He smiled softly, and held his hand out to me. I took it and let him pull me up. He let go of my hand and rested his on my hips.

"Is that right?" He murmured, holding me in his gaze.

I tried to keep my mind focused on making him wait a little longer, before I let him know that I was going to take him back. His fingers dug into my hips a little, and his face was only inches from my own. His full lips looked so inviting.

"Mmhmm." I hummed.

He lowered his lips to my neck, and began to place feather light kisses on my skin. I let my head fall back.

"Wait." I said, softly.

It even sounded unconvincing to my own ears.

"Why?" He murmured, still placing those soft kisses on my neck, as he pulled my body flush against his own.

"Because." I replied, breathlessly, unable to remember why.

I pushed against his chest a little, just so that I could catch my damn breath. I couldn't think straight.

His arms dropped automatically, and he stepped away from me.

"I'm sorry." He said, quietly. "I shouldn't have done that. I just miss you so much."

I ran my hand through my hair, and looked out into the yard. The grass was so green, it almost looked fake. It truly was peaceful out here...or it had been.

Now, my heart and my head was in turmoil again. As soon as he had pulled away from me, I remembered why I was waiting. The image of him and Laura on my sister's couch assaulted my memory, and I felt like I had been punched in the gut.

I actually couldn't breathe for a moment.

"It's okay." I replied, looking back and giving him a small smile. "Maybe we can take it slow though. I just don't- I can't. Not yet."

He took another step away from me and held both hands up. "Yeah, okay. Whatever you need. I didn't mean to push." He responded.

No matter how much my head told me that this was his fault, that he was the one that fucked up, that he deserved a little bit of the pain that I was feeling, my heart was screaming at me. I hated the injured look on his face, and the hurt that I could see in his eyes. That just made me hurt even worse.

I held my arms out to him.

"How about a hug? I could really use one." I said.

He gave me a soft smile and stepped up to me. I wrapped my arms around his neck, just as he wrapped his around my waist. I buried my face in his neck and inhaled deeply.

He smelled like weed, and the ocean, mixed with that smell that only boys had. I didn't really know how to explain it. Just masculine, I suppose.

I loved it.

"I missed you, too." I whispered, feeling the tears sting my eyes.

We stood quietly like that, just on my porch, feeling the breeze around us and hearing each other's breaths. I could feel his chest thumping against my own. I couldn't stop the tears from falling silently from my eyes.

I tried to, because I didn't want him to see me cry. I hated crying in front of people. It made me feel weak, for some reason.

I knew that was irrational, but that's just the way I felt. Eventually, I had to let in a shaky breath, and he heard it. He knew automatically.

He placed his hands on my arms and pulled back from me, to look at my face. As soon as his eyes met mine, I crumbled. Every bit of resolve that I had was gone, melting at his feet.

"Wait, why?" He asked, dumbfounded. "I didn't do anything! What happened, Callie?" I shook my head, unable to talk just yet. "You have to talk to me!" He exclaimed, with frantic eyes. "I don't know what I did this time. I didn't mean to. Whatever it is, I'm sorry! Just tell me!"

I held my hand up to signal to him to just wait a second. He had to give me a fucking minute. I sucked in a few more shaky breaths to try and calm myself.

He quieted down and let me. Eventually, I felt more calm and met his gaze again. Tears stung my eyes once more, but at least I had control of my breathing.

"Nothing. I just- I can't get that picture," I winced, as the image hit me again. "That fucking image of you and HER out of my head. I don't know how to make it stop."

"Damn it, Callie." He sighed, heavily. "I'm so so sorry that I hurt you. I would never intentionally cause you pain. I hate seeing you like this. It hurts me too. Knowing that I've lost you cuts straight through my heart." I bit my lip to hold in the burning gasp that my body needed to take. "Hey, I know. How about we smoke a blunt and then do something to take your mind off of it? Whatever you want to do." He suggested.

I laughed, through bleary eyes.

"I just smoked the rest of your weed that you had here." I replied.

He smiled wryly and shrugged.

"It doesn't matter. I have more."

I shook my head and smiled. "You always do."

"Come on." He said, holding his hand out to me.

I looked down at it, confused. I didn't know if I wanted to take it or not.

Would I be able to handle it? I obviously couldn't handle the hug just yet.

"It's just a hand, Callie." He whispered, almost sounding scared that I would choose not to take it.