The Choice (a Painful Past)

191

I paused, trying to figure out how to take it back. I didn't want him here. Not here! Not in this rundown house. It was home, but we were just too broke to try and fix it the way that it needed to be fixed. Shit. It was too late. There was no turning back now. 

So, I giggled in embarrassment and kept talking. "Maybe you'll find a ghost here," I added stupidly. "Who knows?" "It's a date," he laughed, making me forget how to breathe for a moment. "I'll talk to you later, Cal. Get some sleep." I yawned again, remembering that I had to go to bed. "Goodnight Colby," I said, with a smile. "Goodnight Callie," he replied, softly. 

I disconnected the call, then grabbed my pillow up. I stuffed my face into it, then screamed. When I brought the pillow down, I had one of those perma-grins. The smiles that just wouldn't go away. I hadn't felt this way in a really, really long time. 

Even when things were good with me and Will, this excited feeling, this giddiness, had been gone for years. But Colby and I were just friends. Just friends. I felt like I needed to make myself a sign and hang it up in my room to remind myself, because my brain, my heart, and my body, didn't seem to be getting the message. I had a full blown crush on my childhood best friend. 

As much as I knew it was probably a bad idea to feel this way, there was no way that I could stop it. I had been trying, but the feelings just kept getting stronger. The sad thing was that I knew I wouldn't be able to love Colby, or anyone else. Not the way he needed to be loved.

I was too damaged. 

Whatever. It didn't matter because he would be leaving in a few days anyway. Then, everything would go back to normal. Back to the way it was before he came back home. Back to my monotonous routine. Back to my self-inflicted seclusion, to shut the world out. 

I groaned and slid down in my bed. At least I still had this week. An entire week to step outside of my usual boring life. A week that I could really enjoy and reconnect with someone who once meant a lot to me. If I could get over myself and all of my stupid, so-called trauma and insecurities.

I put my phone on charge, then rolled to my side, and moved my laptop with me. I pulled up YouTube and scrolled through my suggested videos. They were mostly of Sam and Colby. 

Old videos from when they had first moved to LA. Ones from their first house, along with their friends. To the recent ones of them in their own apartments, then the brand new ones of them in their new home, with their friends. It seemed like, no matter where they went, they were together. 

All I knew about these other guys was their names. Jake and Corey. That and the fact that they were silly and fun, like Sam and Colby. I wondered how they got along when the cameras weren't running. 

All four of the guys had such different personalities, it had to be hard at times. Of course, I was on the outside, so I didn't really know. I hadn't even talked to Colby about anything, except my own life and problems, since he had been back.

I mean, we had touched on his life in LA, but nothing substantial. It had been all about me. I chewed my lip, regretting how selfish I had been. I didn't want it to be that way. I was dumping on him, just like I use to when we were young. It wasn't fair to him. I wanted to be as good a friend to him, as he was to me. 

I clicked on one of his personal videos and sighed. I would be a better friend to him. Even if I only had him for a week, I was going to show him how proud I was to have him in my life. How important he was to me. I was going to prove that he could count on me, like I counted on him. 

I had already messed that up a few times, in the past. I had a lot to make up for. 

His smile flashed across my screen, effectively emptying my mind of all thoughts for a moment. God, it was like a beacon in the dead of night, just grabbing my attention and showing me the way home...well, that was a strange thought.