The Choice (a Painful Past)

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     I thought about texting Colby to tell him not to post any screenshots. I didn't want the world knowing how Will spoke to me. It was embarrassing. I wasn't sure if texting would be the best option or if I should just comment on this awful post. 

I sighed heavily and started to type. "Please stop."  My fingers hovered over the keys, while my mind tried to sort everything out. It wasn't doing a very good job of it, however, so I just hit reply and watched my comment appear on the thread. 

I wasn't sure if he would even see the comment with all of the other ones that kept coming in, so I decided to text him too. 

"Why would you go after him like that?! Colby, I begged you not too. He does this all the time. It blows over. Now, instead of just this town knowing my business, the entire world is going to know, because of your fans! Do you realize how fucking embarrassing this is for me? i don't need you, or anyone else, coming to my rescue. I've dealt with this it all on my own for years, without anyone else. I know how to deal with it. I know you think you're helping, and I appreciate that, but please stay out of it." 

Then, I just didn't care anymore. I logged out of the dreaded app. My aversion to conflict was as strong as ever. If I ignored it, it didn't exist. Instead, I opened Netflix and put on a movie that I had been wanting to watch but hadn't had the chance. 

Before I was even 5 minutes in, I got a text from Colby. As I expected, he was apologizing for arguing with Will. I was starting to get that numb feeling inside. It was familiar. That feeling that just made me not give a fuck about anything that was going on in the world around me. Colby wanted to talk, so I tried to snap out of it.

I texted him back and told him that I would talk to him, then sat back and waited for my phone to ring. The longer I waited, the more anxious I got. Rejection started seeping through my well-built wall of numbness, along with a little pain and sadness. I couldn't help but think about all of the broken promises that I had already endured

I groaned and shook my head. This wasn't a promise. It was a stupid phone call. Stupid fucking brain. On a whim, I snatched up my phone and called Colby. I didn't have to always wait on other people to make the first move, right? 

The longer I listened to the tinny ringing on the other end, the more I started to regret my decision. This was why I let others make the first move. Rejection and feeling like a fool just weren't things that I handled very well. Never had been. 

I sighed and disconnected the call when voicemail picked up. "Guess he didn't really wanna talk," I murmured, as I stood up. "Whatever."

I was suddenly quite munchy, so I went to the kitchen and raided the few snacks that we had. After I piled a small tray full of Hot Fries, a few snack size chocolates, a couple of snack packs, and a large bowl of Frosted Flakes, I carried it back to my room. I knew it was too much food, don't get me wrong, but what if I wanted something later? I didn't feel like having to get up and go back into the kitchen. Work smarter, not harder.

I cracked a stupid grin at myself and set the tray down on my dresser. After I grabbed my cereal, I settled back into bed again to watch my movie. Another romance to let me know that I had never really had love. I wondered if I would ever have it. The real kind. The kind that they write about in books. The all-consuming, fire burning, would do anything to keep it, kind of love. 

But then again, I didn't want that obsessive kind of love. I had already gone down that road. Wasn't really looking to do it again. Maybe the slow, easy love was what I needed. That comfortable feeling that you get when you know your heart is safe. God, I didn't even know if love was real. I mean, I loved my family more than my own life, but a romantic kind of love? I wasn't sure if that existed.