The Choice (a Painful Past)

104

I needed that feeling right now. My heart still ached a little when I thought of Will with Kelly. It didn't make sense to me, so I definitely couldn't explain it to anyone else.

I guess love really never went away, even if the person didn't deserve the love.

I started to go through Instagram, just to find fan pages for Sam and Colby, so that I could keep the sane feeling for a little bit longer. A lot of these people were crazy talented. I was in awe.

It still blew my mind that they had had such an incredible impact on so many people. I could understand it though. There was just something about them that drew people to them.

When I dug a little deeper, I saw a lot of speculation that Colby was dating a few different girls. Beautiful, model type girls. Thin and gorgeous, with designer clothes and perfectly applied makeup.

My heart throbbed painfully, so I put my hand against my chest.

Why did the thought of him with other girls hurt me? That made less sense than me still hurting over Will. I had never been with Colby.

We had never dated. He had just been a kid who I became friends with. He definitely wasn't that little kid anymore.

I sighed, as I watched a video edit of him with some gorgeous blonde chick. I wondered what would've happened, if I had just given him a chance back then.

Where would we be right now? I couldn't have done that though. He was 14 to my 16.

It just wasn't plausible. I was beginning to miss him way too much though, after all these years.

Maybe I did need to get out. Go to the bar, hang out with Denise, just have a little fun and let loose. I hadn't done that since before I started dating Will.

I had been too nervous about how he would act, to be able to let loose.

Did I even know how to do that anymore? I texted Denise before I could change my mind.

"Hey, wanna hang out this weekend?" I asked, then hit send.

I tapped my fingers nervously on my leg, while I waited for her text back.

It wasn't that late, so she should be awake.

"I have to work Saturday, but I don't go in until 2, so YES! What are we doing? You wanna come hang at the house again? I swear that I won't invite any of Brian's friends haha."

Should I just go to her house? I would be more comfortable there, but I kinda wanted to force myself to hang out with other people.

"Actually, I was thinking of going to Infinity. You know, the club that's in the next town over? I'm not really a bar kind of girl, but I could do a club." I responded.

My anxiety grew with each second that I waited for her reply. So much so, that I was about to text her never mind, when her response came in.

"ARE YOU SERIOUS? OMG YES! Should I bring Brian, or is this a girl's night?"

I smiled and texted her back. "Bring your man. Maybe I can find someone for a little fun while I'm there."

I expected her response in exactly the way she sent it. "I'M GONNA GET YOU SO LAID! IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME!"

We set up the time, chatted for a few more minutes, then called it a night. I couldn't sleep, once again. I was nervous.

This weekend was only a couple of nights away and I didn't know if I was ready for what I had suggested.

"Stop being so fucking weak." I told myself.

What the fuck was wrong with me? It had been an entire year since I had sex. I was a sexual person.

I missed it. Will had been bad at how he treated me, but the sex had been amazing. He knew what he was doing in the bedroom, most of the time.

Then, I was reminded of how I hadn't wanted him to touch me at all, but I had been too scared to tell him no, because I didn't want him to get mad.

My chest started aching, as I thought about it, and my breathing began to come in short gasps, as the tears started to roll down my cheeks. I didn't know what was happening to me! I couldn't breathe and my chest ached so badly.

I grabbed my chest with both hands and sat straight up, thinking that it might help clear my airways. Fear helped to close my throat, making it even harder to breathe. I tried to call for my mom, for Ben, for anyone, to help me.

I felt like I was going to die! I forced air out of my mouth, trying to form words, but all that came out was short little yells. The tears fell harder, adding sobs with my gasping.

"MA-MA!" I tried to make the yells louder, but I wasn't sure if it worked or not. "PLE- PLEASE!" I gasped.

I hit my bed with both hands, as I tried to suck air into my burning lungs. I was having a heart attack. The pain in my chest was tight and heavy, crushing my heart beneath it.

"Callie." I heard my mom's voice, and saw my bedroom door crack open.

I hit the bed harder, gasping of the air that I needed to save my life.

She poked her head inside, then rushed over to me.

"CALLIE!? What is it, baby? What can I do?"

I shook my head, unable to tell her anything. I knew that she could see the panic in my eyes.

"Here, breathe with me, okay?" She held my gaze and started to take deep breaths, then let them out slowly.

I tried to match her, but it was so very hard. She held my hands tightly and kept her eyes on mine.

Eventually, my breathing slowed, and the oxygen was sucked into my deprived lungs. The ache in my chest loosened, but the tears fell harder and faster. I was getting air now, but I was sobbing, so it still came in gasps.

"Oh, baby." She said, then pulled me into her arms.

I wrapped my arms around her waist and lay my head on her chest. I let my mama hold me, like I was still a child, until the feeling finally passed. My body was shaking from head to toe, when I finally pulled away from her.

"I-I don't know- what that- was." I stammered, as I wiped the tears from my face.

"What happened?" She asked, quietly.

"I don't know." I replied. "I was just thinking, then I suddenly couldn't breathe, and my chest hurt. Do you think I had a heart attack?"