The Choice (a Painful Past)

144

"I actually don't know haha maybe just ride around for a while, before we go to the liquor store. We can eat. Do you want to go eat?" I read the message three times, trying to understand.

"You seriously asked me to hang out, but you don't know where you want to go?" I muttered.

Honestly though, there was nowhere to go around here.

"Riding around sounds good. We could stop off at Radium Springs. They've updated it, since you guys have been gone. I'll let you know about going to eat. I'm not really hungry right now." I messaged back.

I was lying. I was starving, but I was trying to lose weight. Maybe not the healthiest way to do it, but it was the quickest way to shrink my stomach.

Now, if only I could resist the temptation to eat. That was hard to do when I was at home, but easier when I had something to do, or somewhere to go. I wasn't actually starving myself.

I knew that was a direct path to a really bad disorder. Instead, I was just trying to not eat as much, or as often, and to incorporate healthier foods into my diet. That was so much easier said than done though.

I would snack when I was bored, sad, mad, anxious, or pretty much any other emotional time. It was getting to be a real problem for me.

"Okay. I'll be there in 10 minutes." He messaged back.

Ten minutes. I had ten minutes to finish up anything that I needed to do. Anxiety ensued, like it always did, and I started running through the filing system inside my mind, trying my damnedest to focus on any one thing that I could accomplish.

"Did I feed the cats?" I muttered to myself, as I rechecked my makeup in the dresser mirror.

I was pretty positive that I did. I was pretty positive that I had finished everything that I was supposed to finish, but there was that stupid nagging feeling in the back of my mind, making me feel like I was forgetting something.

I darted to my mom's room and ducked my head inside.

"Hey Mom, I'm about to leave. Do you need anything, before I do?" I asked.

She smiled and shook her head.

"No, I'm okay. I'll just yell for your brother if I need anything."

I rolled my eyes. Jimmy literally never heard her when she yelled.

"I'll tell him to keep an ear out, and to also answer his phone." I replied.

He never answered his stupid phone either. I always worried so much about my mom, when I wasn't home. That's part of the reason why I never went out.

It just seemed like none of my siblings could look after her, the way that she should be looked after.

"Okay, baby. Have fun and I love you." She replied.

"Love you, Momma." I said, sending her a quick smile.

I found my brother in the living room, sitting in the recliner, watching some documentary about aliens.

"Hey, I'm about to leave. I won't be home until late tonight." I said, as I checked my purse to make sure that I had everything. "Wallet, keys, phone, cigarettes, chapstick..."

"Where are you going?" He asked.

"Just out with a friend." I answered. "Can you please answer your phone and keep an ear out for Mom?"

"Yeah, I got her." He replied, never taking his eyes from the 55-inch television screen that was mounted on our wall.

We might be poor, but there was a shitload of electronics in this house.

"Jim, I'm serious." I sighed. "You have to listen out for her. If something happens, you have to hear her."

He cut his eyes to me for a second, looking annoyed. "I said, I got her." He replied. "I know how to look out for her. Not the first time, Cal. If you're that worried about it, then you just need to stay home and do it yourself."

I sighed and gritted my teeth. "Just listen out for her, please." I said, again, then walked out the front door, before I said something that would cause an argument.

I was the same way with my family, as I was with Will. I always let them have the last word, and I tried to keep my mouth shut, even when they were disrespectful to me. I hated it.

There were times when I just wanted to let loose and scream at them with everything in me, but I just couldn't.

I walked to my car and climbed on the hood, to sit down and wait for Colby. I lit a cigarette while I waited. I was only about halfway finished with it, when that sleek black car pulled into the driveway of my run-down house.

Why had the fact that he would see my house slip from my mind? That was one thing that I didn't want to happen while he was in town. I didn't like for anyone to see it, but I really didn't want Sam and Colby, with their expensive ass clothes and mansion of a house, to see it.

It was embarrassing.

I hopped down from the hood and walked towards the car. He stopped, when I was just a few feet away. I opened the door and climbed inside, catching his eyes as I did.

"Well, hey gorgeous." He said, smiling from ear to ear.

I laughed and shook my head.

"Don't start teasing right when I get in the car."

"Who's teasing?" He asked, as he threw the car in reverse.

I disregarded his question, because I knew he was.

He didn't mean that I was actually gorgeous, because how could he? He was surrounded by model types all day, every day. I was just me.

A girl who had a little bit more weight than she should have, and clothes from the local Wal*Mart.

"I can't believe you still live here. There's a lot of memories in this old house." He said, nodding towards my home, before he pulled back towards the road.

"Yeah." I sighed.

I didn't want to acknowledge the house in any way.

"So, where are we going first?" I asked.

"Oh, well, I thought we would just ride. See where the day takes us, ya know?" He answered, flashing me a quick smile, before he turned his attention back to the road.

I nodded, then looked out the window. I didn't know what else to say, so it was starting to feel awkward.

"So, I know we've talked about a lot of stuff on FaceTime, but what's new? I mean, are you talking to anyone? Been out lately? Dyed your hair a crazy color in the past 10 years?" He laughed.

I couldn't help but to laugh a little myself.

"Um, let's see. Nothing is new. My life has been the same for a while. I mean, it was worse when I was with Will, but still the same. I just feel more free, somehow. I'm not talking to anyone. I don't really have time for that, with taking care of Mom and Ben, plus all the errands and stuff. I mean, I don't need another person to take care of. I went out with Denise and Bryon a few weekends ago. It didn't exactly-" I stopped myself, before I could tell him all about that stupid breakdown that I had. "I mean, it was fun. Nothing crazy, but fun. I dyed my hair blue when I first broke up with Will." I finished answering his questions.