The Choice (a Painful Past)

75

I sat watching the not so little boy that I had taken in 6 years ago. He was sitting on the floor of the living room, playing the game with his best friend, Xander. I smiled, as they yelled at each other and laughed, while they tried to murder one another on whatever game they were playing.

Xander's aunt was actually my best friend. The kids had met when I signed Ben up for Cub Scouts. I saw Denise, with her now ex fiance, dressed in JNCO jeans, a Korn t-shirt, and chains on her pants and I instantly knew that she was a pot smoker.

I don't know how to explain that, other than saying that potheads could identify other potheads. We could recognize our own people.

The kids hit it off instantly, so Denise and I started hanging out a lot. We became best friends too. If everything else hadn't been so fucked up, it would have been something perfect, like out of a fairytale.

Ben was such a well adjusted kid, though. I assumed that I would have problems with taking him in, like him not listening to me, or getting an attitude, just because I wasn't his mother. I expected to have to deal with defiance and rejection, because of what had happened in his past. I never did though.

I did have to deal with the defiance a little, but what kid doesn't push their limits? He did well in school, he helped me around the house, and he was the kindest kid that I had ever had the pleasure of knowing. He even held the door for older people, or everyone really.

He would give up his seat, when his grandmother needed somewhere to sit. My love for him was infinite. He was as much my child, as he would have been if I had birthed him myself.

He really was almost my only reason for living these days.

A lot of things had changed in the past few years. A lot. My brother, Jimmy, had moved back home, and gotten into a terrible accident at a swimming hole party.

There was a rope swing over a lake that we used to hang out at. Since my brother had already lost an eye, due to his work accident, he didn't see the tree that he was swinging right into. When he hit, he let the rope go and fell about 12 feet down, onto a jagged stump that was sticking out of the water.

We all thought that he was going to die. As it turned out, he had broken several ribs, with two of them breaking off inside of his lung. Since he didn't have insurance, the hospital made sure that he wasn't going to die, then discharged him.

Jimmy was in the hospital for two and a half weeks. Unfortunately, he never fully recovered, and had to be put on disability. So, he was living with us now.

My mother was diagnosed with a DVT, Deep Vein Thrombosis, a couple of weeks after I took Ben home. Her leg swelled up 5 times it's normal size, turned fire engine red, and she was crying from the pain. The doctor said that she would need someone to care for her, that she would stay on blood thinners for the rest of her life, and that she probably wouldn't make it another year.

I was crushed, overwhelmed, terrified, and determined, all at once. I moved her back home with me, immediately, quit my job, and became her caretaker. I thanked God every day that she was still with me all these years later, because I knew that it was only because of Him.

As for Will and myself...well, that wasn't so great. I didn't really know why I was still with him, after everything that had happened. I tried to break up with him multiple times, so many times, but I ended up listening to his declarations of love, and his cheap promises.

The smile faded from my face, and the noise from the kids faded into the background. I started going through all of the bullshit that had happened over the past almost 9 years. He had been through more jobs than he had been through girls, and that was saying a lot.

I had been cheated on so, so many times. I couldn't even count how many.

One of the worst times was when we had to stay with a couple of friends, a married couple, while the floor in our home was fixed. I had went to bed, and waited on Will, so that we could, well...you know. I ended up falling asleep, but awoke to the sounds of moaning.

I never expected to see Will fucking one of my best friends on their couch, while me and her husband were asleep. Not to mention that she was pregnant with her husband's baby. Guess it showed me that she was never really my friend.

I remembered going a little crazy and slamming her head down onto the coffee table, while Will darted out the door in the middle of the night. I had woken Ben up, got him and anything that we needed to take with him into the car, and left. Funnily enough, I saw Will walking down the road.

I remembered feeling pain and rage like I had never felt before, and hitting the gas, without even thinking. I wanted to run him over.

I wanted to ruin him, to cause him pain, like he had caused me and now Ben, as well. I could've too...but I hit the breaks, hard, before I reached him.

He still stood in the glow of my headlights, with shock on his face.

"What the FUCK, CALLIE?! YOU ALMOST HIT ME!" He had bellowed.

"Get. The fuck. Out. Of my way." I had spit out between clenched teeth.

"No." He replied. "I just want to say that I didn't mean-"

I cut him off because I was so done listening to that shit.

"I know. You didn't mean for your dick to fall inside of her. Got it. Just an accident. Thanks so much for clearing that up. Now, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY, BEFORE I ACTUALLY DO RUN YOU OVER!"

Tears had been streaming down my face, and it was from pain, but it was mainly from anger. I had been so pissed that night, but it didn't change anything. I stayed away from him for almost a month, then he somehow found his way back into my life.

Just like every other time. I didn't understand how it always happened.

How had I allowed myself to stay in this horrible existence for this long?