Contemplation

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I feel so upset with myself

I love you

I love you so much that I am pushing you away

I know you can't understand

I know I confuse your sweet soul

I confuse myself too

I have to keep digging within trying to find out why I do this

But, I love you

I push you away so you don't have to see me like this

the sadness in your eyes

the weariness from me, enveloping you

I don't answer my phone, so I don't have to tell you

"I'm not ok"

Because I am not

I am breaking at the seams

Overflowing

spilling onto the old carpet in my home

I listen to the air conditioner hum loudly in my ears

I listen so long, I hear it switch on and off three times

I know you don't understand

I want to close the door and lock myself in for a couple of days

you think you have done something wrong

no matter what I tell you

But its all got so much

watching everyone fall apart around me and come to me for help

I can't stand alone

How can I hold everyone else up?

My eyes feel stiff from how many tears I've shed

now when I cry,

there is nothing but dryness

I have lost all my tears

and I'm too tired to get up and get any water

No, I promise its not you

I am just shriveled up

I thirst for you

but I won't tell you

I don't want you to see me like this again

I love you

That's why I don't answer the phone...