Contemplation

I still think of you

I don't know how many times you have come across my mind.
The number is endless.
I'm sure by this point you've gotten a new number.
I mean come on the last time we really talked was sophomore year and now I'm a freshmen in college.
I had this urge tonight, one that I don't normally have to call you and vent, maybe even to hug you and try to
Work things out.
But it's been almost four years, not quite but close.
I should let go.
I should move on but all these years and I still see your smile and feel your arms wrapped around me as I cried.
I loved you so much as a person I'm not sure if it was more than that or not but it fucking hurt still to this day.
How can I just forget something that was good in my life?
Someone who lit up my life and held me when all I could do was cry because it was all so hard.

I tried to be there for you, you didn't exactly let me.
I tried to fix things until I gave up, heartbroken and questioning myself.
What could make you not want to associate yourself with me.
I'm not sure still to this day.
So what after almost two years of absolutely no contact prompted me to call you?
My friend saw you at your job and said that you gave her the order she made two days in a row.

That's something simple but that slowly has brought back these emotions that are crawling up my chest at midnight.
I'm sad and miss you but I hate you for what you did to me at the same time.
How can you be so perfect for me and so wrong at the same time.
I was dumb and actually thought that you would give me the time of day.
I am angry more with
Myself.
How could a nineteen year old girl still feel the same things that my fifteen year old self felt for a guy who I haven't seen in so long.
I know you will be good for someone, hold them in their time of need, love and cherish them.
It just won't be the two of us doing that and I understand to a degree but I'm healing from past tramua and I still hurt.
Wish me the best and i will do the same too you either way.