Contemplation

The torment of moving on

Someone tell me why it hurts
Why even hearing that you're happy with someone else- that

they make you smile-

that they made you a better person and I didn't- I couldn't
I tried
so hard
every waking moment
trying to nail it into your brain that you were worth more  than you  believed
You were important

No matter what I said you didn't believe me

The thought of your body and hers pressed  against each other

the same amount of closeness I used to be to you for some odd reason hurts-

maybe it's because I left you because I was close to loving you

maybe it's because after all of these months no matter how hard I try it's like you're still in my life

I see you in  every passing car

In memories

I see you so many places

I wish I didn't

I had to leave

I did and I'm- I don't know if I'm sorry

I don't know if I should be because yes-you did manipulative me

but in a relationship don't we all  sway each other's heart one way or the other

I cannot believe that I am about to say this

I mean it's insane but I miss you

and I don't know why because we were anything but compatible

we were polar opposites and we weren't- we would never work

maybe it's because I just want love and to be loved but I still feel this way

After  all these months that I just can't get over it

why I have to ask

why

why after everything that I did for you

everything

all of the late night phone calls when you had a nightmare

talking you down from doing something bad or stupid

Or  sitting at a family event with you- with the people you hated

holding you tight whenever you felt like falling apart

When you told me you loved me whenever I broke things off 

I was completely thrown because I cared about you so deeply but I didn't have a word for it

even when you love someone sometimes you have to let them go

but I never imagined that it be so easy for you

one day

one day!

without the label of being in a relationship and you had another girl on your arm

she was beautiful

her heart shaped face

Her infectious smile

It felt like she was everything that I couldn't be and I guess

I was right

because here I am alone all these months later while you have her