Contemplation

Its Eating Me UP

There is something lonely in the world right now

I feel like I am being suffocated by the trees

the wind howling

and the thunder booming

I used to find such a peace in such acts of mother nature

but now tonight

I don't find any solace

my heart is heavy or maybe its just my chest

I'm not quite sure I have much of a heart left nowadays

there is something chewing at me

eating at all my happiness

and i think that the past year is catching up to me

the loss

the pain

everything

the one good thing is that i have been able to pour my soul into a book

but is that good

to spend hours soaking myself into  another world with hopes that it will make this one more bearable

I have been questioning myself

my mind is thrumming, humming softly,

not its normal sporadic pace

I have found myself falling back into old ways

My head spins dizzily when I stand

did i eat dinner

have I had anything to drink today?

my brain is knocking against my skull, the wind seems to drown me out of the world, with a wisp, like a loose leaf

i play with my hands and chew my lips as i try not to become enraged at those who wrong me

the people who come back into my life to taunt and lie until they skin me alive again

they wait for me to heal

to scab over

before they pick it all of and start over again

like my nails that have been bit to nubs

painful and a reminder of what I feel inside

I have been reading and writing

but still

still my mind screams falsities at me

teasing and taunting at the tender armor that I have left

and when I am home my bones are still stiff from stress

words of hatred barked at my poor mother

and nothing can be done'

everything has been tried but still nothing has changed