Contemplation

The Growth of Rage

Why can't someone walk into my life unexpectedly and sweep me off my feet? I question my self work a lot, I'm doing it right now. I want to meet someone and swoon. (....) has my brother and (....) has the boy that she spent months crushing on laid out right in front of her. For the love of God. I have prayed, begged, sat with tears in my eyes and pleaded with every ounce of my being for someone to be sent to me. But of course not. My life just doesn't work that way does it?! I just want to experience what everyone else seems to have. I mean for the love of God, what am I? Unlovable, Ugly, mean. Do I smile too much. Am I not pushy enough?? Do I not flaunt my body. I'm sorry that I am trying to keep my individuality to myself only, that I want to be different and loved and held. But no, everyone else gets what I wish I had. What comes around goes around, right? Well what have I done to deserve this. I mean they say to wait that on the other side of the world your true love is waiting for you. Well I will tell you this. He fucking is not. He's given up and probably knows how lousy of a being I am and has moved onto better things, Prettier girls with gorgeous blue eyes, tan skin that is skinny and has long beautiful blonde hair. Fuck god. Fuck love. Fuck all of it. I hate everything right now. I can't express how angry I am feeling. After everything that I have done for my friends they would just desert me like this? That's it. This is the last time that I have walked over. I am fine with having casual friends, ones that I don't give my all, spoil and make sure are okay because they sure as hell do not reciprocate it. And it hurts like a bitch. But that's okay, right people like me don't get happy endings, only tears and a pill shoved down their throat to numb the pain. It's not like I spilled my heart out on the floor for (....) and like I didn't comfort (....) over dumb things that she would get upset about. I did all of that. I was the best friend that anyone could have asked for and I get nothing in return except shitty friends. You care about me? No you don't. You feel sorry for me and what happened to me when I was younger. So do I. I am sorry but this is all that I can deal with. Be happy, both of you. IF I could avoid you for the rest of eternity I would. Because all I want to do is cry. I am done. This pain is too much. I am tired of trying too much. This is the end or a pause I am not sure but I am not trying for a while. I need to work on myself and love myself. Because, well fuck, no one else will.