Contemplation

Dear Depression,

I am tired of feeling this way. I care that I feel this way but at the same time I don't. I want to end it all the pain, the endless boring cycle of waking up and feeling so tired, lost and empty. Wondering what my purpose is. I'm sick of letting everyone down. When my friends invite me places I tend to make excuses of why I can't go not because I don't want to but because I'm busy battling a war with you. Some days I am determined to do whatever it takes to shove you, the thoughts, dad, all of it away, to have a good day! I let people down all the time. I am always angry, I feel like I can't control it. My friends get mad because I always cancel. I want to go out I'm depressed about the fact that I never have friends or go out and do something but the fact is I feel trapped. I don't want to exist but I am to much of a coward to do it, end everything. What will await me, I'm almost positive something good will but at the same time what if it Satan, what if he's there waiting because he is Depression, he won the war....
I wish that I wasn't the way I was, but its like this huge part of me, the part that doesn't care takes over and shoves me on the backburner. It tries so hard but sometimes when the happy side gets shoved to far back, I become numb and angry. I have no drive, no outrageous dream, I feel bad because what if I'm not good enough. It's so easy so beyond easy to pull the trigger on life, find some way to make it all go away. All I want to do is lay in bed and not wake up. I know all of this sounds probably selfish but I've lost who I used to be. I want to do something, I make a plan trying to pull myself out of this dark pit but it just sucks me right back in. How can you fight with yourself. I am so tired of all of this. This insane battle with myself. Sometimes I think I really need help. Not a counselor but something else, a doctor, I don't even know anymore. I don't want anything, any of this. I'm just so tired, not only physically but mentally. My mental health seems to always take a toll on my everyday life. I was depressed before dad did what he did but after he committed suicide it's like I can't steer my own life, my logical side a lot of the time rides shotgun while my emotions take control, swerving into building, crashing, damaging me more, telling me I deserve it, I'm guilty, no one loves you, It is your fault. Or my logical side will take control and be cold dark and angry. Everyone tells me, "Just dont be depressed, Just be happy. Why can't you be happy? Just because you're going through a rough time don't take it out on everyone else." Believe me.... I try.. So.. so hard. It gets exhausting after awhile, when it feels like you always lose. When I try to talk to someone I feel like I'm shot down. I just want to be me again...