Contemplation

Winters heart

I can't explain to you the heartache that I feel.
It hurts so much and the depth of the pain seems endless.

But I see an opportunity to dig out all the pain and ache and fill it with goodness.

Maybe even the warmth of an embrace in the fall, the smell of coffee in the air and friends that I never would have made had I stayed. I yearn to feel a closeness with people and myself.

I want to heal and by doing this I truly believe I will. I will have the fear filled expression at first when I land. I will think that no one is getting me from the airport but they are.

That is what I'm talking about.

I need to change my mindset to understand that this moving on in my life will be new and different but that by doing this and following a new path, free of traps and hate filled people I can't escape, of the past and blood and trauma. I want to move forward and I need to.

The feeling of leaving behind everything I've known for nineteen years is scary but must be done. I am leaving behind people and things I love.

Everything that I am used to and I pray that the world rewards me with people and places that will be there for me as I take this journey into fixing me.

Into finding out who I truly am.

To not be afraid to open up, speak my mind or hug someone and say that I love them. To smile and it be real and for my body to feel light and not tired and weighed.