Contemplation

The journey back to self love

Sometimes I wonder what life would be for me if I could trust my emotions again

would I find that I am in love with someone I never would've imagined

sometimes I wonder who I would have been had I stayed in fall in love with (...) in the span of six months

Would I rely on him for self-worth?

would I be happy?

Would I have destroyed myself over the image of a weak man

do you know what I truly want?

to fall in love

it's been almost 5 months and I crave another's touch

I want to spill my heart to someone

Touch their soul and to unexpectedly fall in love

I want the pinch of jealousy, the want for what others have to dissipate

I want wholeness

my own wholeness

I want to love myself again

to trust myself

I want to stop hating myself for mistakes and shameful act I can never change

I want to cry

I want to love every flaw and imperfection I have and allow myself to be inhumanly imperfect

why is self love so easily preached but once lost hard to obtain again?

there's so many curious things

people littering the streets

laughter echoing

the wind swaying

traffic strumming in the background

I wonder about lives simplicity

the questions people avoid

the pain that's buried and the reasons why

I want this emptiness to leave me and my true lives story to unravel

I believe I'm still in the first few chapters and unknown twist are awaiting,
good or bad I know not

only that I want to do better

I want to rip open every wound one by one

place ointment on it and stitch it gently shut and wrap it in a bandage dripping in love

I want to heal

to find a soulmate

someone who can gently and carefully love me

who will not question my choices but instead ask me if I need a hug or some tea when I look sad and pale

I want and I want but first I must heal

and love me for me