Your UnSlut Project

Submitted by @penny_sophia

Even though I now practice Wicca, which is a form of nature worship, I had a traditional Greek-Orthodox Christian upbringing. My parents always told me that lust was a bad thing, and it didn't help that I was hearing the same thing from some of my friends and in the media, too. I was supposed to save myself for marriage, and not be sexually curious. That is what my parents have always expected of me.When I was about 11, I started questioning my sexuality. I had my first relationship with a girl, but she told everyone when I specifically said not to do that. I didn't have a label for my sexuality and I wasn't ready to be out yet. I was made fun of by some of my closest friends, and told by my teachers to go back into the closet, even though it wasn't completely my fault that I was "out."But alas, I obeyed my teachers in middle school - for a little bit. I dated guys and pretended to like them, but I also dated girls, and thus, I was just outed again. People called me a "bisexual slut," or a "gay slut," because they thought that was who I was. Some boys also mocked my sexuality in front of me and one of them had the nerve to ask me if I had AIDS. It hurt so, so badly. I began to develop trust issues from it.In 7th grade, I knew for sure I was gay, and people took advantage of it. A girl who I thought was my friend got me kicked out of my homeroom, because she thought just because I was gay I would ask her out. The truth is, I never thought of her as more than a friend. Sure, she was pretty, but I did not feel sexually or romantically attracted to her.Then, surprise surprise, I went back in the closet for the third time in a row, and tried to change. It was awful. I would go home crying every night, because I knew I was lying to everyone, including myself.Then, I met this girl who changed everything. I fell head over heals in love with her at only 13 years old. She cheated on her boyfriend with me, because she was curious. Then, she said she would break up with him, and I thought it was for me, but then she started dating this new guy two seconds later. It took me a long time, but I got over her. I dated another girl shortly thereafter. I thought she was perfect. We connected emotionally and sexually. Unfortunately, I was wrong about her. She was extremely emotionally abusive. She would constantly talk to me, to the point of isolating me from my family and friends. She would always tell me really depressing stories about her life, which may or may not have been true, and I tried to help her, but it never felt like anything I ever did could do the job. When I couldn't help or talk to her, she called me selfish, and a bitch, and said I was her property and would be nothing without her. Also, not to mention she would use suicide as a threat just to keep me in the loop. It was absolutely awful.After that, when I started high school, I started feeling a lot of sexual shame that came with every other attraction I had that wasn't to her. If I made out with someone else after the breakup, or even flirted with someone else, I was bad, or slutty. I didn't know why I felt all this internal sexual shame. I thought it was because of all the homophobia I went through, but there was definitely more to it. My parents' Christian indoctrination might have played a role, but it probably wasn't significant.What really caused all of this was the abuse from my ex-girlfriend. I was scared, probably even traumatized, from every crazy thing that happened. I thought that if I let someone get too close, she would break me. And if I did let someone get too close, I would feel ashamed of myself, like I was setting myself up for abuse.It's been quite a while, and I am still healing from everything. But I'm in therapy, and trying to get better. Lots of girls at school ignore me, because I'm openly gay, and they know about the abuse, and think I'm scary because of the effects it had on my mentality (I get easily triggered anxiety and panic attacks when I see something or someone that reminds me of my ex). But that is really the least of my problems. I can only hope that the train only goes uphill from here. I want to live a happy life, go to school, date, and not feel ashamed for feeling and being sexual. And I've got some work to do, but the train that is my life will start chugging at a rapid pace up a mountain of positivity. To anyone struggling with abuse, male, female, or otherwise, just know that it isn't your fault. Cut ties with your abuser ASAP, and get help.