Your UnSlut Project

Submitted by Anonymous

During 6th grade, I always knew I wasn't the pretty the girl. I wasn't "that girl." I was the one girl people hung out with for them to feel better about and was only popular for my comedic behavior. I was honestly tired of it.

During this year a lot of things happened and first the common, cliche "clique" issue. There was a group of girls that would fuss around with high egos and fancy names for their so called "girl group," which was only limited to people socially accepted to their eyes. Of course I was in it, which made me automatically involved in it. But, later on I got ditched out and basically bullied everyday. I moved on to self-harm and other things that caused me a bad reputation in school.

7th grade hit and it was a living hell for me. I somewhat made up with the group and I knew they were a bit against me, but they were never brave enough to tell it to my face. 7th grade was the year everyone suddenly became sexually aware of what's what. We noticed the boys more, etc.

My friends would always talk about doing truth or dare in a boy's house and of course, that boy was popular. I don't know what made me so desperate, and so I followed with them the next week and we sat around in a circle, all wet from a swim and awkwardly played truth or dare. Since we all lacked experience, it was a bit weird and we couldn't really do half of the dares we set up for each other. The only thing I got was a kiss on the neck.

During my 7th grade year, I slowly began to realize that I didn't want to be the ugly girl. I didn't want to be that girl who's just funny. I became envious of girls who guys placed more attention on, and everything went bad the instant I acted. I stopped being funny and took effort to be more serious. Another con about being the "comedian" is, no one takes you goddamn seriously. They think they can joke around with you and you wouldn't feel bad. But, every second I felt like shit.

Like I said, I became more quiet and collective, which obviously wasn't cool to the the "popular" girls. So, they ditched me for the second time. I slowly parted away from them and gained two new friends. In which I thought I could trust.

During this time, I was desperate and this is one thing I regret. I liked this boy in my summer camp and he was popular. I mean, he had the looks and everyone knew his name. (I live on a small island, it's not hard to get your name known.) I posted up a bikini picture as my profile picture on my social media and of course he instantly took a liking and texted me. I was excited. I mean, who wouldn't be?

We talked for awhile and he suddenly said, "I bet you can't send nudes." And I have no idea what my 12-year-old mind was thinking. Maybe I just wanted to prove something. Prove to him that I wasn't just the ugly girl. Of course I denied it. And he basically manipulated the whole situation and I did it. I sent him a "nude." And I made him promise me he wouldn't show anyone. He promised.  

Of course, after this I told my two close friends. At that time, the Queen Bee of the whole school took notice of one of my friends I was hanging out with. Mind you I was really popular before I stepped down and this "Queen Bee" hated me. She wanted to get to me and obviously, she started it by talking my best friend. My best friend didn't notice. Why would she? She was getting showered with attention from a really popular girl.

The Queen Bee occasionally acted nice and it didn't take long until she manipulated me into spilling out what I did. (Send nudes.) She didn't keep it a secret and the whole school knew. Well, only the girls. The school I attended was fake. The girls would act nice to you, but they would always have something to say and everyday I walked into the hallway knowing that they were slut-shaming me.

It wasn't really a big deal during that time and so things moved on quickly. I finally convinced my parents to transfer me to a new school for my 8th grade year and they did. Everything was going fine and I loved it. I moved into a school which was not well-known, so not a lot of people would know me there. During this time, my friendship has already been broken with all my friends.

I moved into a nice school and things were peaceful. I did the unexpected and became class vice-president, got perfect grades and joined NJHS. (I couldn't do any of these before because my life was revolved around drama.) One day, my brother and I were talking at the dinner table and he mentioned something regarding nudes (don't ask me why or how). And I became really quiet. He basically knew I sent nudes way before and he told me it has been going around on Twitter. But, as supportive as he was, he didn't say anything negative and instead helped me with the problem. By help I mean beating up the boy who leaked it. 

Twitter was one of the growing media platforms at that time and all of the older kids were using it. I remembered being really self-conscious and scared to walk out of my house. Everyday I walked out I felt like someone has seen my body. When a boy was checking me out or even  just a group of people standing next to me, I always had anxiety and began to question whether they'd seen me or not.

Time flew by and the nudes were a passing issue, it wasn't a big deal and everyone forgot about it. Until one day, my old friend (the girl who betrayed me for the Queen Bee), texted me and told me that everyone was talking about my nudes.

I also got suspicious because at that time, I was getting a load of OOVOO calls from a guy who I don't really talk to, but I know. I began to get major anxiety during that time period. I remember answering his call and he was in with a girl (I didn't like her) and a guy I like. I wasn't talking, but they were and I occasionally talked. But, he suddenly asked, "Did you send nudes to (name of the guy)?" Everyone was silent and I didn't know what to say. I said yes with a fake confidence and he said "Oh okay." The call still went on and someone had to leave, so it dropped after that.

The next day, everyone kept telling me a bunch of guys would talk about my nudes in school (the school I'm not in). And I felt so scared. I had no one to talk to and I was never going to tell my parents. And till this very day, I never did. Everyday I went out, I felt like I was being watched in every wrong way. I had no one to talk to. My messed up personality ruined every relationship I got and I couldn't tell anyone or get support from my new school because I didn't want my reputation and respect I built up to be ruined. All my friends completely ignored me and I was lost.

After awhile, I began to slowly build my confidence and own up to my decision. I stopped caring about what other people thought and realized I was literally the only one dreading the thought everyday. I was at a new school and a new start and I didn't need my past to stop me. When someone would mention my nudes I would tell them, "It was two years ago and I was desperate." I know that sounds bad, but I have no other way to say it. I was desperate and naive. And stupid. But, as dumb as this sounds, the way I got to feel better about myself was to reflect on one of my camp friend's life.

She sent nudes to over 10 guys, yet she was still happy as ever. And honestly, I don't think anyone cared. Because it was old. And so was mine. But, to this very day, I still have a little anxiety in me that someday that mistake I made would haunt me, will actually start in my new school. And I guess I'm not completely over it. I'm always cautious to mentioning names of my old schoolmates or introducing them because they might tell. But, looking back, I realize how lucky I was. The whole slut-shaming really occurred in 8th grade, when I coincidentally moved. Writing this story makes me cringe a bit and saddens me. But, I really wanted to come out about it. And everyday, I build up my confidence.