"the dominoes cascaded in a line."
terribly sorry for the varying chapters that use proper grammar and capitalization and the others that are in all lowercase LMAO
okay, so, you may have seen my announcement that im kind of bringing books back one at a time right now. because of how currently antsy I am about the season starting and wanting timelines to line up...
(bitter love prime example of why this is important (sort of))
there will be really fast, regular updates over the next few days. I'm figuring that since im actually inspired with this right now, I might as well jot it all down and get it out before I want to go back and change everything LOL
anyways, enjoy these next few hectic chapters!! <3
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"i've been having a hard time adjusting."
FEBRUARY
Fernando laid on his side, facing his large window that overlooked Petco Park.
His eyes gazed over the green grass... stopping periodically in left field. His ears rang and head spun at the thought of center field.
The sound of Serena's words followed him home last week... and no matter how many doors or windows he opened from this high up in his condo building, they wouldn't go away. They rebounded off walls and back into his mind.
He finally sat up, the words becoming a whisper as he caught sight of the picture frame on his nightstand with him and his family on opening day 2019, his first game.
He picked it up. Taking a closer look at it, he ran his fingers along the glass pane that secured the photo into the frame.
His sister and brothers were there. Along with his parents.
His father had that same expression on his face. That funny expression where you couldn't quite tell if he was excited or displeased.
Vaguely, in the background... stood a blonde. A small, familiar, petite blonde girl. The way she was poised looked familiar. The gold bracelets and diamond encrusted watch on her right hand looked familiar. Her stance, the way she looked as she stared at a player in the distance. It all seemed so familiar.
The ¼ of her face Fernando could see was a familiar smile. That same proud smile. A proud smile that he'd seen one too many times as he talked about his teammates.
Her proud smile radiated onto #13. It was Manny. His jersey faced the back of her. He was standing at third base, with Yainee, his wife. They were just standing there... looking down at that base... that third base. That base he got assigned once Fernando 'kicked him out'.
Even further behind, was a crowd. A sea of San Diegans... that no matter how much he wanted to say were looking at him and his family, they were looking at Manny. They were looking at their captain. Their newest signing, Manny Machado. They were looking at the man who gave Fernando a career.
And that was when it all fell into place. Clicked.
The familiar blonde was Serena. The proud smile was hers. The proud smile she wore — not because she'd done her job and helped her clients — No, she was not proud of herself. She was proud of the player, because ultimately... it was their decision to sink or swim.
Manny swam.
And when he thought about position changes, he thought of many other guys who swam too.
Wil swam. Profar swam. Trent swam.
But now it was his choice. His decision. To sink or swim.
✿
Fernando spent a lot of time thinking about that photo.
Every morning when he woke up to run he thought less and less about his father's dismayed expression, and more about the people in the background.
Something he never quite understood was slowing down. He liked living fast. He liked the constant going.
Slowing down made him sad. Slowing down gave him no other option but to think of all the bad and embarrassing things he's done. Everything he'd f#cked up, basically.
The amount of second chances he'd gotten even after his most horrendous of acts was overwhelming. He felt undeserving. He felt the people around him were too kind to him and his reckless behavior.
Fernando's haunted thoughts slowly killed him. Factor in being alone in an empty city and ghosting Serena for the past 2 weeks.
He felt insane.
Fernando never suffered from anxiety or anything close to this until now.
When he wasn't able to play, he was pretty depressed... but he always was able to pull himself out of it.
Now, as he stands on an empty cliff side in the pouring rain in the early morning hours... he almost felt a sense of relief at the thought he wouldn't have to pull himself out of it.
There was an option to make it all go away on its own.
He slowly looked down at the roaring sea. Even the smallest amounts of rain can make it feral and angry.
It was foggy in the distance, but he still knew it was just him around.
Fernando slowly stepped forward... gazing down into the untamed ocean. One foot stepped in front of the other, and he truly was about to walk to his death.
But when he ran out of rock to walk on, time stopped. Everything stopped. He felt paralyzed, stuck in place. Something was begging him to turn around, kicking and screaming for him to stop.
He tried outstretching his hand, in some sort of fight to move or unbalance his body in any way possible. He was simply stuck there, with the only way to go being back.
