"the dominoes cascaded in a line."
terribly sorry for the varying chapters that use proper grammar and capitalization and the others that are in all lowercase LMAO
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"i was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere.
fell behind all my classmates and i ended up here...
pourin' our my heart to a stranger."
Fernando had no recollection of the past few weeks. The only thing he could think about was his frozen body on the cliffside, and then the way his heart jumped once that hiker noticed him standing over the ocean.
He couldn't quite put into words what he was feeling. It was unsettling, disturbing, nerve racking, but above all painful.
He felt like an open wound. The thought of baseball and his career for the past year had been the cut that always bleeds.
Fernando was aware of his emotions when it came to baseball, but from his most recent experience he was seemingly unable to grasp onto his senses when it came to life altogether.
Most of his anger or depression in some way always stemmed back to baseball. Even the drama with his parents came from baseball in his eyes. He'd never had problems that were rooted this deep that weren't, until now.
After a long thought, Fernando realized he needed nothing more than baseball right now. He needed a distraction. This time, he didn't care where he was positioned or what type of glove he wore. He just wanted to swing a bat, feel a leather glove wrapped around his hand, celebrate home runs, run for his life around the bases, dive into the outfield grass, and feel the nostalgic feeling of arriving back in Peoria for Spring Training.
He'd seen on instagram that the pitchers and catchers reported today, and seeing all the recent offseason activities that included his teammate's preparations for the World Baseball Classic that he would unfortunately have to miss out on due to his suspension caused an ache in his bones.
Was it insensitive to cast aside his other varying problems to get his sh!t together and get back on a baseball field? Maybe. But if baseball could bring him something he's missed for these past two years, then that didnt mean he shouldn't try.
✿ ✿ ✿
Fernando decided he would go the long way to the front office today.
He found over this past week or so he didn't enjoy thinking or gathering his thoughts, but if he was gonna pull himself together and admit how awfully wrong he's been for this past month almost, he needed to know what he was going to say.
Silently, he reached one of the many back entrances he'd known about. Fernando walked in through the team store, through storage, then across the little bridge into the stands.
It was from the stands where his eyes met right field. Maybe he should assure Serena he was willing to play there now if it meant he got to play.
His eyes stayed glued on that huge patch of green well-kept grass as he began to walk towards the medical branch of the front office. But eventually, they wandered towards shortstop.
The little gap in between second and third where he spent most of his days. He hadn't stood in that spot since 2021. He had a lot of memories from there. He'd only been there for two years but he could still talk for hours about plays he made or things he saw from right there.
There was a bitter feeling that still arose a little inside of him as he thought about the fact those days were probably over.
His eyes sadly flickered forward as he reached the front office. Pulling his key out of his pocket, he was once again faced with Serena's office.
Taking a deep breath in, he held up his fist to the door and knocked twice.
It took a few seconds for him to hear any sort of noise within the room, but it relieved him that she was even in there.
Once the door opened, he was again met with Serena. He'd only stood in this doorway four times before, but he couldn't have felt more emotional upon returning, considering the abrupt way he'd left a couple weeks ago.
Even though Fernando had recited what he was planning on saying on the way here and last night, he couldn't bring himself to say any of it.
For once, Fernando didn't think about sounding professional as Serena's gentle blue eyes looked at him expectedly. He was here to try and get himself a flight to Arizona as soon as humanly possible, but the aura of the girl and her little office begged for nothing but the truth, and in return his heart begged back for honesty and assistance.
"I thought I knew why I was here." he choked out, "I just wanna play baseball again, but..." the boy looked down and nervously slid his hands into his pockets.
"But?" the girl trailed sympathetically, she began to step aside, almost as a gesture that it was alright to come in.
"I don't know. I don't know how to say it. I don't know why I'm standing here in this doorway after everything I've done. And not to you, but in general. To everyone I've ever fcked over." He was starting to backpedal, he was starting to realize that he may have wanted peace more than baseball. "I have a lot, Serena. I've tried so much. I've tried to run with the pack and work hard. I've tried to juggle my career, goals, family, relationships, friends, and image without once even considering my own sanity."
Serena was still silent. Her eyes were still big and glued on him as she slightly leaned on the door.
"I just wanted you to know that this is me trying. And even though it isn't perfect..." he trailed, looking up as tears nearly welled in his eyes, "I still want to try again."
