"the dominoes cascaded in a line."
terribly sorry for the varying chapters that use proper grammar and capitalization and the others that are in all lowercase LMAO
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the monsters turned out to be just trees.
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serena dreamt her whole life about her a-ha moment. that time where you realized who you were, and what you truly wanted. that feeling of knowing, seeing the light.
she'd been lost in translation during most of her existence. serena was always a pathological people pleaser that just wanted the world to see her.
new york was a mistake. she knew that. but maybe in order for her to see the world she needed to come to new york. maybe in order to find herself this was where she needed to be. the big city.
it started here, when she came for that manager's conference. that night at the gala - when fernando flew seven hours from mexico just to see her, just to be with her on her birthday.
that was when she was offered this job. that was when it started to slope. that was when forever ended for her. that was when the self-sabatoge, salt on the wound bullshit came to be.
that was when she sat there on the curb in front of her house in tears before going to the airport. that was when the real serena went away.
that was when she decided on solitude. she thought that space and room to grow was what she needed. what they needed. but running and hiding only made it worse.
that was when she plagued herself with the guilt of how she treated fernando. she took his trust and stomped on it.
that was when she fucked the entire padres organization over too. she crushed their hearts and souls by phonily quitting like that. it was embarrassing.
she took advantage of everyone in that front office. no matter how much it felt like they were trying to trap and corner her with wade kendall, they were the ones who took their chance on her in the first place. they were the ones who gave her the path into this business.
they gave her the path, but the team was the reason she got to stay. how could she let herself ruin them after they sent her all those letters? how could they still love her after she blew up their playoff chances?
how could she quit being a dragon slayer to come be an expensive disappointment?
why couldn't she just swallow her pride and embrace the humiliation of apologizing. why did she have to make it this big of a production?
why couldn't she just let fernando explain himself? even if they never made up, he deserved a chance to say what actually happened that night of dinner on the diamond.
why did she ever feel so threatened by wade kendall? he sucked at his job.
sure, he was a major invasion of privacy - but nobody liked him. if she just waited it out he would've been gone within weeks.
she let a man throw away her entire relationship with the team. the team that was her family. the family that she chose.
the family who let her stay despite all her imminent and heartless flaws.
how could she leave behind such beautiful memories? the ones of blake and joe and tom. the extremely distant ones of cal and ty and luis. the sisterly ones of kacie, haeley, and yainee.
the way she left fernando standing there. the way she kicked him while he was down as he attempted to explain what happened the day before she left.
the last-ditch effort that he was brave enough to make, but that she refused to hear.
it was almost as if serena wanted to be a problem.
the new york depression after leaving san diego. the everlong complaining.
the way she basically pushed fernando into calling her and saying he would never like to see her face again even if they were both dead.
all those endless days of sitting in her little office at citi field listening to cohen and eppler scream at each other, with the occasional appearance of that stupid twat schowalter who claimed to know everything.
even the bewildering fact that only one player out of that 40 man roster wanted to work with her and tried his best to take her advice.
she was so mentally and emotionally fucked up that the only time she was happy or had fun was when she was drunk with macK and cj.
serena relied on karma so heavily to hit fernando, but it only hit her. it hit her like a fucking bus.
karma was in fact not her boyfriend, and she was in fact not inevitable or expendable. she was just serena. she was serena lense, the normal girl who could never see her own faults.
the fact that she made her life so awful that she'd rather be working for the nationals or living in washington than new york. i mean, who the hell wants to live in washington?
she even got a boyfriend to distract her from her dumpster fire of a life. that poor guy loved her, and she loved him as a distraction.
how did she even have the right to blame fernando, marlena, or san diego for her break up with nate? serena lense was always the problem all along.
