"the dominoes cascaded in a line."
terribly sorry for the varying chapters that use proper grammar and capitalization and the others that are in all lowercase LMAO
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when i break its in a million pieces.
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pittsburgh.
'*:;,．★
there was an uncomfortable silence around the hotel breakfast table on an early morning in the steel city.
the sensible tension was between xander and fernando. juan, unfortunately was dead in the middle of it. xander may have been right here overall... but fernando didn't deserve blank stares or silent treatments.
juan always described fernando as a bright light. he was shiny and glimmery, with a beautiful soul. but, he was also reflective... like a mirrorball.
the way he bounces other people's problems off of him and confiscates his own. the trying, the tightrope he walks to keep the lights on him at every angle... the naturalness to him of being a people pleaser.
the way that each time fernando breaks, he puts another wall up — and somehow becomes shinier. a million times makes a million walls, and after so many it was unclear if he even knew who he was anymore.
and it seems this will always be the case. because, as he gleams from the middle of the room — at the center of attention — he sparkles. he hangs there, glinting in the sunlight until he breaks. and when he does break, people enjoy it. people enjoy seeing him brought down.
he spins, and spins, and spins, around in an endless circle. fernando's this amazing young superstar. he's electric, well-liked, and an inspiration to kids all around the world. but when he's not playing baseball? he's just there. his work persona is just up on that pedestal. nobody quite understood that 'fernando tatis jr', and simply 'fernando' were two different people.
nobody watches fernando. nobody knows about his love for hiking. nobody knows how much he loves eating pasta while watching youtube shorts. nobody knew how much he secretly yearned for serena back. hell, he wasn't even sure if he knew all this about himself.
people are duplicitous, and unfortunately after years of struggling to know his very own worth and character, he didn't know which glistening angle of himself was really him.
every one of us has the ability to become a shape shifter. but, fernando never even had a starting form in the first place. he changed like the seasons. there was no set one.
maybe what burned the most was the way he recalled knowing who he was as he was with serena. the nauseating sensation in his chest longed for her while it also tried to drown into the pit in his stomach.
"fernando?" juan asked, giving him a nudge.
his eyes shifted up and away from his unpicked plate of eggs, and over to his teammate.
"do you want to talk about something?" he inquired. xander set his fork down. this was one of those temporary times where juan could truly recognize fernando's struggle.
fernando narrowed his brown irises down to his best friend, following the expression by a shake of his head.
"well, we both know what all this brooding is," juan voiced, exchanging glances with x. "i know you still love her. i know you don't want to realize that, but you need to make peace."
"i already did," he stated. "i called her last month and told her we should never see each other ever again, because it would never work."
"maybe that's your problem," xander put in. "you refuse to admit you still love her. we all know you do, and i bet if you weren't so concerned with being right she wouldn't be so long gone."
fernando stayed silent, like usual. that was his only response lately. but no one knew what to make of his silence. was he silent because he didn't want to speak? or was he silent because he refused to accept the facts of himself.
"xander, sh," juan hushed. if they were going to get anything out of fernando he couldn't harass him or be harsh.
x sat up straight in his chair. his usual soft eyes were sharp and furious.
"no. he needs to realize that his moping around is pathetic. you're not the only one who lost her, fernando. in fact, we all lost her because of you." he continued, pressuring the blame.
the boy gazed justly across the table. it was like he was allowing xander to reach him.
xan gathered his dishes and stood up, stopping abruptly before he walked off.
"you think you're expendable. but, you're not."
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