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Dear Soo, I remember asking myself if I was ready to become a father. I was young, and foolish, but in love with your father. When I told your father, Kim Namjoon, that I was pregnant with you, he reacted in the way of kissing 'you' under my bellybutton where he would kiss you every night for the remainder of my pregnancy.
The next morning I found 'what to expect' books in two piles, and Namjoon reading two books at one time. His glasses slipping to the edge of his nose, with one finger guiding along as he read, and mumbled words. I rubbed his back, and peered over his shoulder "That is interesting." I commented, pointing at the sentence from off the book. Namjoon tore off a sticky note from the note pad, and stuck it against that sentence "So we can remember what we found so interesting Jungkookie." He explained.
Weeks turned into months, which I grew as my pregnancy progressed. My midsection grew outwardly, and carried low. Waddling became my habit by week 23, thanks to you.
Soo, you were birthed on your due date, with a quick delivery, pain that only a parent can love to give birth, you joined us in the world.
The first month of you being home with us, it was nerve wracking. I wanted to do right by you, for you..like you could tell the difference. I could. I tried to be a good parent Soo, and I still try to be.
And now you are four, with dimples just like your daddy's, compliments are given to you, and to your father who smiles, causing the 'awed' to come out. I know his ways, but my plans for him are elsewhere."
I cannot stop myself from worrying about you Soo. I have your crying baby sister who is refusing to sleep, all while I am watching you play by yourself with the blocks we use to play castles together with.
You do not say anything about having a sister, I can see the hurt that having her around is causing.
Hee is in my arms, cuddled, or sleeping.
The phrases 'Give me one minute' is common. Even 'let me feed your sister.' It was only a few weeks ago when we were inseparable. But now, there is someone else who has taken my attention.
Soo, you might feel like how are you suppose to love Hee.
I watch you as your imagination takes you elsewhere with your blocks, and how I want to get down and play blocks with you.
Until Hee begins to cry, and again, I am pulled away from you to aid her.
I am trying my best to keep you both happy; at times, I know that you adore Namjoon over me, while that does hurt, I understand. To you, he is your superhero, the parent who gives you attention. I try not to feel jealous. We were best friends, but now, it feels even you know the dynamic of our relationship has shifted.
I want to hold you, and tell you everything will be okay, but, I feel like that would only be a lie.
"Uh..Appa?" "Soo? Your daddy is waiting to put you in bed." Kookie reminds. "I wanted to give this to you." Soo holds out a piece of paper. "What is this Soo?" Kookie questioned. Soo smiles "This is our family. That's you, Hee, and me playing with blocks." Jeongguk opened the folded paper to show the drawing his son drew. "We will be okay. I'm okay." Kookie pulled up Soo, sitting him on his lap "When did you get so smart huh?" Soo smiled crookedly as Jeongguk kisses his cheek.
As the night darkened, he thought about Soo. And how he will persevere. The love of children, and from children. Namjoon picked up the piece of paper "What is this?" He asks. "Soo drew that, I think he knew I am worried about us spending time together." "Is this all of us building blocks?" Namjoon questioned, holding up the paper. He nodded yes to Namjoon. "It must be strange for Soo to go through being an only child to having a sister. He has adapted well to Hee, and he is excited to play the big brother role." Kookie explains. "I know he is, I know. Think one year from now. Our three children will be happy, our family will be happy." "Yeah, we- wait, Joon?" "I wanted to tell you earlier." "Soo will be in love with the idea of having another sibling!" Kookie scooted closer to Namjoon, and leaned forward, hands moving to rest against his stomach. "We are going to have three kids, holy shit."
