Survive [Larry Stylinson]

Chapter 31.

Is there possibly anything more beautiful than Louis? I mean, especially in the morning. Scruffed hair, tired eyes, hint of stubble, grey sweatpants and the best thing of all... MY t-shirt. It is white and obviously a couple sizes too big for him. The neckline is low enough to expose his entire chess which is covered in his "It is what it is" tattoo.

We are seated in the buffé eating breakfast, or well, Louis is eating. I've barely touched my food. It feels like everything they're offering in this cruise will suffocate me with fat. Besides, I'm way to distracted by this beautiful boy right in front of me. He doesn't even try, and that's what frustrates me the most. The way he sighs and runs his fingers through his hair is simple, yet soo damn effective.

All I can think about is last night. How his hands were on my skin and the passion we both shared. I fucked it up so bad. I wish I could just leave the past behind me but whenever I try to move on, it comes back and haunts me. And I hate how strongly it affects me.

"Aren't you gonna eat?" Louis asks. I look down at my plate, willing to consider it but it's impossible. I already feel so guilty about everything I ate yesterday. I really don't have any apetite. Even though my stomach tells me that I need to eat.

"I'm not hungry" I mumble. Louis seems to tired to try to convince me otherwise. Although I do feel bad. After all he did pay for this entire cruise, including the food that is served in it. And I hate to appear ungrateful.

"About last night..." I mumble, not even sure how I'm supposed to explain myself.

"Forget it, Harry"

Harry? What happened to all my nicknames? Harold? Curly? Babe? Is he seriously mad at me?

"Lou-"

"I don't care about what did or didn't happen last night, okay? I respect your limits. But there's something you're refusing to tell me and I don't understand why. Do you not trust me? Is that it?"

"I do trust you I just-"

"NO YOU DON'T!" He bursts and manages to turn heads. I suddenly feel... scared? I just hate when people scream at me, it makes me feel so small and helpless.

"You lost your virginity at 13! That's not normal, Harry! You were fucking molested and you refuse to admit it!" He says in a frustrated, angry voice, yet he's at least trying not to let everyone around us hear. "I'm right, aren't I?"

I shake my head and avoid any eye contact. The voice in my head keeps repeating 'No no no'. I refuse to admit it. I refuse to let him know. He will hate me. He will be disgusted and he will never want to see me again.

"Stop"

"But it's true isn't it? You need to stop being in denial!"

I burst out of the buffé and run out into the lobby. Luckily there's no one there. Everyone's either sleeping or eating. I sit down one of the public seats and cover my face on my knees. And there I go. Crying. Again.

Time passes and I manage to make my way to our suit. Even though I was prepared in seeing Louis, he of course wasn't even there. He's probably still eating and I'm not going to go looking for him. I'll just wait here.

"Babe" Louis soft voice calls. "Babe" He repeats, shaking my shoulder. Did I fall asleep? I open my eyes and see Louis sitting next to me on the bed. His eyes are dry and red as if he's been crying. But I'm not sure. I sit up and scratch my eyes while letting out a yawn.