Survive [Larry Stylinson]

Chapter 84.

*Trigger warning* (Well this entire story has a big trigger warning but yeah)

I don't know when, I don't know how, but somehow I've managed to make my way to the mirror above the sink in the bathroom. I stare at my own reflection emotionless. My hands are occupied. One is holding the piece of paper Louis had earlier written his thoughts down on, and the other hand holds a razor. I try to resist the tempting blade between my fingers but the words are right there. Reminding me of things I so desperately want to ignore for the better. Vanishing. He is. He's slipping right out of my hands and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. No matter how hard it is to realize it, he's going to die. Perhaps within many many years, or... Any moment. What the hell am I supposed to do when that happens? How am I supposed to survive without him? How?

No. He can't. He can't leave me in this terrible world alone. No. I don't want to spend a second on this earth without him. I don't want to and I'm not gonna.

Suddenly the paper falls onto the floor beneath my bare feet. I hold on to the razor and press it onto the skin of my wrist in a position that will probably make the deepest cut yet. And just as I feel my entire body prepare to cut my old scars open I hear the doorbell ring. I suddenly get out of my bizarre trance and regain my senses. I look down at the razor once more, repulsed and quickly put it back on the shelf. Shit. I pushed it so hard onto my skin that I'm beginning to bleed. Fuck fuck I need to hide this as soon as possible. I rush to the kitchen and start searching for a band aid to put on it to stop it from bleeding, hints making it less noticeable. As I search through the kitchen Niall grows inpatient on the other side of the front door. He starts knocking on the door loudly, causing me to get even more stressed out.

"Open up! I brought pizza!" He calls out. Fuck I can't find a single band aid anywhere. Fuck. As I'm in such a rush my eyes lock on Louis' long sleeved grey sweater on the kitchen table. I sigh and put it on. At least something with long sleeves to cover it up. I hurry to the door and open it.

"Hey! You were fast!" I say breathlessly. Niall frowns at me confused and steps into the apartment with the carton with pizza in his hands. Without any sort of manners he walks into living room with his dirty shoes on and immediately makes himself really comfortable on the couch. I go to grab the piece of paper from the floor in the bathroom and bring it to Niall. I put it on his lap as his mouth is already full of pizza. "I found this. Louis apparently wrote it this morning." I inform.

Niall reads the paper with a really focused face. He then puts it down with a chuckle.

"Is this it?" He surprises me by saying. I sometimes wish he showed a little bit more caring. "Bro, you sounded so scared on the phone I thought it was something serious"

"But..."

"There's no need to get all freaked out, alright? He does shit like this all the time. He just likes to write stuff down sometimes. I know it can be a bit disturbing but it's not anything serious. I promise." Niall assures and I calm down a little bit. But I'm still not completely convinced, and I'm still scared to my very core. I take a deep breath. I don't want to ask these sort of questions and put Niall in a bad mood but I need to know. Everytime I try to discuss Louis' condition with the guys they get really defensive and try to change the subject, like they're trying to ignore the fact that he's actually sick. But I can't be the only one still fully aware of how serious this is?

"Do you think he will die? Like.... soon?" I finally manage to say. Niall looks at me clearly irritated by my choice of subjects to talk about. But it's honestly so hard to talk about other things when this is the only thing on my mind day and night. Niall puts his pizza piece down and clears his throat.

"I don't. I really don't. I don't even understand why you're so scared all the fucking time. He's had this disease for five years and he's still fine. My grandfather's friend had the same disease and he didn't get the disease until his late 50's and he still didn't die until he was 80." He informs and I suddenly feel a lot more calm. Wow, that man got the same disease at such a weak vulnerable age and he still lived a longer life than most people. Maybe he's right. Maybe I'm being way to paranoid. "If anything, the risk of you dying is bigger than the risk of him dying"

"What?" I question. What did he mean by that? I'm not even sick, how are my chances of dying bigger than his?

"Depression can kill. Someone who is deeply depressed should be treated as someone dying of other diseases. Both conditions are equally as capable of killing, and both need professional help. Depression isn't something you can just stop whenever you'd like. That's the thing that many don't get. Depression isn't in your hands. If you're depressed you can't stop it by yourself. You need help. And the thing with depression is that it can kill over night. That's the scary part about it."

For the first time in forever Niall is actually making a lot of sense. He's right. If he hadn't knocked on my door earlier I would've cut myself, and who knows how deep that could have been. It could have been too deep. And the scary thing is that it wasn't even me doing it. It was this darkness in my mind controlling me, telling me to do it. It's so fucked up.

**

Hope you liked this chapter. I hope you know that if any of you ever feel depressed or sad, you can always send me a message here on wattpad or on my twitter ZeldaDirection. I'm here for every single one of you.Take care and be safe.

Love always, S.