ROGUE

33 : Was It Worth It?

Your POV
Warning : Sensitive And Mature Content

I felt dirty.

It was probably around midnight; I couldn't really tell. There were no windows to tell what time of day it was.
Soon enough, I would lose track of time as thing slowly got worse.

I remembered the nightmare I had, in which Jason sold me.
And I remembered waking up from it, and Jason promised he'd never do anything like that to me.
And here I was now.
Sold by Jason.

Was falling for him really worth all this pain?

My heart ached as I imagined what Jason was doing right now, probably on a jet to England.
Maybe sharing a joke with the gang, maybe drinking beer, maybe smoking weed, maybe fucking some girl.
He didn't owe me any loyalties anymore, and that's what broke me.
He's not yours and you're not his.

Apparently now, I belonged to Angelo.
As soon as Jason left, carrying his large case of money, Angelo used me.
I wasn't raped, thank god.
Not yet, at least.
But I was forced down up on my knees and I was commanded to suck him.
I shuddered, knowing that he was only getting started.

Even at night, I was roped to the bed.
I wasn't even given any clothes, or covers for that matter.
I lay shivering, hoping the bitter cold would give me hyperaemia and kill me.

Kill me.
The sick idea popped into my head.

There was nothing left for me in this world, Jason was gone, my mom was gone, my step-dad was gone, Ellie was gone.
I had nothing.

I was not willing to spend the rest of my life as a sex-slave.
I was going to end it.
I was done.

I let out a long, loud scream, praying that I could attract Angelo's attention.
I could still taste him in my mouth and I felt like gagging.
I continued to shriek until my throat was raw, and that was when the door swung open, and an angry looking Angelo stood, eyes wild with rage.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" He spat, storming over to the bed where I quivered in my black lace underwear.

"I n-need to use the bathroom." My voice shook in fear.

Angelo raised his eyebrows at me and smirked. "Is that so?" He ran his dirty fingers lightly down my stomach and I whimpered, squirming. "You're gonna have to earn it, baby."

I shook my head frantically. "Please no," the agitation in my voice was unmistakable. "Please don't do this to me."

Angelo ignored me, and began to untie the ropes painfully slowly, I knew what was coming and I felt sick.
It took him minutes to completely release me, but then he grabbed a fistful of my hair before I could even move.
He yanked me off the bed, burning my scalp and he pushed me to my knees.
With his free hand, he pulled down his boxers and I cringed at the sight in front of me.
"Suck it." He demanded.

I shot him the most lethal glare my face could form and I tried to hide the terror in my teary eyes as he jerked my head forward and forced himself into my mouth.
I instantly felt him hit the back of my throat and I gagged, spluttering as he thrusted viciously.
I felt nauseous, and the whole time, I could only think of one thing.
This is Jason's fault.

I had half a mind to fucking bite Angelo, but I knew that I would suffer terrible consequences if I did.
Soon enough this would all be over, and I'll be dead.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I unwillingly sucked him, replaying Jason's visit over and over in my head.
This happened until Angelo twitched in my mouth and he came, the thick, sticky substance sliding down my throat.
Just as I was about to spit it out, Angelo slapped me hard across the face.
"You better fucking swallow, you bitch."

I gagged as I obeyed, wincing at the taste and then coughing, holding my throat and breathing heavily.
"C-can I go to the bathroom now?" I spluttered.
Angelo grabbed another fistful of my hair and pulled me to my feet, earning a yelp.

"You better be fucking quick in there." He whispered in my ear, sending icy chills down my spine.
I grimaced at the smell of his breath; a mix of beer and cigarettes.

"I will." I squeaked.
I wouldn't want it any other way.

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I stared into the mirror and was absolutely horrified with my reflection.
I stood there, my skin pale and washed out against my black underwear.
Dark hickeys scattered along my neck and collar bones, all from Angelo's forced make-out sessions.
My eyes were red, puffy and tearful, and my hair was wispy and matted.
Not to mention my left cheek- which was shaded a blistering red from Angelo's harsh slap.

I looked and felt a mess.

"What did I do to deserve this?" I whispered to myself, letting the tears spill from my eyes and roll slowly down my cheeks and down my neck.
I forced my body to keep up with my mind and I remembered what I had come in here for.
The razor sat beside the sink caught my eye, the sharp blades glistening and inviting me.

I grabbed it quickly, not even bothering to weigh my choices.
I hovered it above my wrist and thought of Jason.
I thought of his autumn eyes.
His golden hair.
His melodic laugh.
His contagious smile.

I thought of the way he pretended to love me, and the remaining pieces of my heart broke, and I pressed the blade into my skin forcefully, sucking in a sharp breath as the blood trickled down my arms.
I pressed it deeper, hissing.
My hands shook as I tried to cut a vein and my tears dripped down onto the mutilated and damaged skin.

Why wasn't it working?
Why wasn't I dying?

I switched arms, drenching myself in my own glistening blood.
It got to the point where my arms and my wrists were just as messed up as my mind and my life.

"Y/n, if you don't fucking come out of there within the next minute, I'll have you right now!" Angelo's voice slashed through me and I felt my worn-out body stiffen.
I reluctantly opened the bathroom door and prayed he couldn't see my wounds in the darkness.
If he noticed, he ignored them and dragged me brutally back to the bed where he re-tied my open wrists with the thick, scratchy ropes.
I screamed in the most agonising pain I had ever felt, only to receive another slap across the face.
"Shut the fuck up." He seethed, and began to walk away like it was nothing.

"Wait!" I whimpered, biting the inside of my cheek to try and keep myself quiet.

Angelo sighed dramatically. "What now?"

"I'm cold, can I have a blanket?" I trembled.

"What, so you can cover up that insanely sexy body that now belongs to me?" He sniggered cruelly. "I don't think so, baby."
And then he left me alone in the room.

I laid there crying, in the company of my own broken heart.
Why am I not strong?

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Thanks for reading :)
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I hope I didn't offend anyone with this chapter, and if you are someone who has self-harmed in the past or still does, I promise that you are never alone and things do get easier.
Stay strong
All my love, Amelia