ROGUE

40 : Baby, I Don't Want You

Your POV

I couldn't bring myself to text back a reply.
Instead, I ignored Jason's heart-felt message, and four slow weeks passed.

Me and Jason had shared no contact, and it didn't make things any easier.
I had been feeling depressed.
Empty, lost and heartbroken.
The deep gashes on my arms had left hideous scars, and they reminded me of what had happened every single time I looked down.

Depression is an unseen killer.
It's when you wake up in the morning and you just wish you never did.
It's like a black shadow lingering right over your head, and putting pressure on your body, and no matter how hard you try, you can't escape it.
I had never experienced depression until now, and I was wondering if there was ever an end to this silent pain.
Crying had turned into a habit, instead of being a healthy release.
I kept quiet though, I didn't want anyone to know that I was feeling this.
I didn't want anyone to see that I was weak.

I had been cooped up in this house for a month, so I had started thinking about going back to school.
It was something to do other than sit around in my own self pity.

As I laid on Bella's bed, she browsed her wardrobe, searching for the perfect outfit for her date with Clark, which was happening tonight.
"I don't know what to wear," She groaned as the hangers screeched against the metal pole. "I wanna wear something cute and comfy."

"What about leggings and a jumper?" I mumbled, bored.

"Um, have you seen the weather outside? I'd rather not be toasted alive." She laughed subtly.

"Okay?" I sighed. "White shorts and a grey top."

"I am definitely not wearing white shorts, Y/n." She chuckled, shaking her head.

I glanced over at her. "Why not?"

"Time of the month." She shrugged, continuing to look for an outfit.

"Oh." I nodded, closing my eyes in disinterest.

"Yep," she said, popping the 'p'. "It gets in the way of everything."
She hesitated unexpectedly, and the sounds of screeching hangers suddenly stopped. "Y/n?" She asked, her voice had turned quiet.

"What?"

"Um, when was your last period?" She mumbled awkwardly.

I shrugged dully, still keeping my eyes closed.
"Don't know. I think they stopped cause of all the trauma and shit."

Both of my shoulders were suddenly grabbed and my body was jerked upright.
"Y/n!" Bella yelled, her eyes wide. "What if you're pregnant?"
I ended up laughing in her face.
As if.
"I'm serious." Bella shook me gently, noticing how amused I had suddenly become.

"There's no way." I chuckled, pleasantly entertained. "I think I would know if there was a baby growing inside me, Bella."

"Y/n! You can't risk it." She said frantically. "You need to take a test."

I shook my head, pushing her off me. "No I don't, I'm not pregnant. There's nothing to worry about." I laughed.
Bella rolled her eyes in annoyance and headed for the door.
"Where are you going?" I called after her.
She left without a word and I sighed, falling back limply against her comfy bed.

It was only a moment until she returned, holding three, blue, tube-shaped boxes in her hands.
"Take them." She ordered.

A low chuckle erupted from my chest. "Why do you have those?"
I eyed the pregnancy tests in amusement.

"Cause I thought that I got pregnant a few months ago, it almost gave me a heart attack, and I bought like a billion tests." She threw them all at me and pointed to the bathroom.
"Go."

I groaned at the thought of making an effort to actually do anything.
"This is pointless-"

"Y/n, I'm serious. You've been ill as well, that's an obvious sign of pregnancy." She crossed her arms over her chest. "Do it for me, please." She stuck out her bottom lip, just to try and convince me.

I sighed and hurled myself off the bed reluctantly. "Fine," I mumbled, heading towards her bathroom. "I'll be back in a minute."
I entered and shut the door.
"Pathetic." I muttered, chuckling slightly and I took the first pregnancy stick out of the box.

I quickly used it awkwardly and stepped back outside to see Bella, who was chewing nervously on her fingernails.
"What does it say?"

"You have to wait a moment." I rolled my eyes, completely calm.
The next few minutes were spent in silence, and the anxiety that came from Bella was enough to make me feel suddenly sick.
Eventually, the results came up on the screen and my heart stopped.
I covered my mouth with my hand and instantly felt my eyes well with unshed tears.
"Holy fucking shit."

"What?" Bella asked desperately.

I was absolutely speechless.
It's positive.
"I- I'm..."

Bella swiped the test from my quivering hands and read it.
Her face turned a ghostly white.
"You're pregnant." She whispered, more to herself than to me. She was trying to process it as much as I was.

"This... This can't be happening," I shook my head, my voice shaking violently. "I need to take another one."
I dashed back into the bathroom frantically and repeated the instructions of the first test.
When the results came back the same, I burst into tears.

Bella embraced me, squeezing me tight.
"It's gonna be alright." She whispered, but our bodies were too close to lie.
She was shaking as much as I was.

I pulled back in hysterics. "Alright? I'm pregnant with Jason McCann's baby. I don't want a kid, I'm still a kid myself. How is anything alright about this?" I sobbed, practically screaming.

"Y/n, calm down." Bella's voice shook. "You're not in this alone. I'll help you through it and help you to make the right decision." She spoke softly, though I sensed the unmistakeable fear in her voice.

"What's the right decision, Bella?" I cried. "I can't have this baby. It's not fair on anyone."

Bella sucked her teeth and hesitated, her big blue orbs welling in sympathy. "I'm not sure you should have that conversation with me, I'll support you through everything you do, but I think there is someone who deserves to know."
She mumbled.

I held my breath, knowing exactly what she was talking about. "What do you think Jason's gonna say? I haven't seen him in a month and I've tried to remove him from my life, and now his child is growing inside my fucking stomach." I sobbed.

"Jason loves you, Y/n. And he should be the first one to know about this." She inhaled sharply. "I know you don't want to, but you need to see him."

"I can't do this." I spluttered, clutching my stomach. "I can't have a baby."

What the fuck has my life turned into?

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