Destiel One-shots

Charlie ex Machina

If Charlie cared about anything in life, it was her ships. 

And music.

And comic-con.

And not dying.

But mostly her ships and making sure they sailed into happily ever after.

That was why, to spare the universe the horrors, Charlie decided to take matters into her own hands, and force her unbiological brothers out of the closet, and into the loving arms of their angels.

She gave them no warning that she was coming either, wanting the Winchesters to be thrown completely off guard. Cas was easy to locate for her mission, because he was practically glued to Dean's side. Gabriel took a bit of tracking down, but he was happy to storm the bunker with Charlie, using it as an excuse to see his moose.

So, Charlie burst into the bunker at six A.M., ready to force her brothers to embrace their utter homosexuality.

"I'M HERE, I'M QUEER!" She proclaimed, waltzing in. "WHERE MY BITCHES AT?"

"Hi Charlie," Sam and Dean called from the library, not even having to look up to recognize their red headed friend.

Charlie bolted down the stairs, the Winchesters and Cas glancing up as she dropped a boom box on the table.

"What are you doing?" Dean asked. Gabriel appeared in the library, eating a lollipop, and Charlie quickly forced him and Cas into the seats beside Sam and Dean.

"Charlie-" Sam started.

"SHUSH." She ordered, making sure they were properly positioned. Dean and Cas sat on one side of the table, Sam and Gabriel facing them on the other. "I have searched the ENTIRE WORLD," Charlie said dramatically. "AND I CAN'T FIND ANY OF YOUR HETEROSEXUALITIES, SO IT'S TIME TO EMBRACE THE RAINBOW, FUCKERS."

"But we're not-" Dean began.

"Dean Winchester, shut your dick loving mouth- you're so far in the closet, Narnia gave you a rainbow crown." She shot back. "FURTHERMORE. I KNOW WHO YOU'RE ALL SECRETLY GAY FOR, AND NOW IS YOUR TIME TO CONFESS YOUR UNDYING LOVE!"

She glanced at them, but none of the men before her moved. Charlie sighed.

"Fine." She insisted. "Billy Joel it is." She clicked play on the boombox, and began dancing around the four guys as the song started to play, tossing skittles and rainbow glitter at them.

"Listen boy 
I don't want to see you let a good thing 
Slip away," She started singing, popping between Dean and Cas's chairs. "You know I don't like watching, anybody make the same mistakes I made, She's a real nice girl 

And she's always there for you 
But a nice girl wouldn't tell you what you should do

Listen boy 
I'm sure that you think you got it all 
Under control

You don't want somebody telling you 
The way to stay in someone's soul

You're a big boy now 
You'll never let her go 
But that's just the kind of thing 
She ought to know,"

"This is stupid." Dean declared. Charlie narrowed her eyes and grabbed him by the collar, nearly throwing him out of his chair as she continued singing, shaking Dean slightly. 

"Tell her about it 
Tell her everything you feel 
Give her every reason to accept 
That you're for real!

Tell her about it 
Tell her all your crazy dreams 
Let her know you need her 
Let her know how much she means!!" She let go of Dean and raced around the table, popping up between Sam and Gabriel. 

"Listen boy 
It's not automatically a certain guarantee 
To insure yourself 
You've got to provide communication constantly

When you love someone 
You're always insecure 
And there's only one good way 
To reassure...."

"I don't need to listen to this." Gabriel declared.

"Me neither." Sam agreed. Charlie tugged at their long hair, and then grabbed their collars, violently pulling them towards her as she kept singing.

"Tell her about it 
Let her know how much you care 
When she can't be with you 
Tell her you wish you were there

Tell her about it 
Every day before you leave 
Pay her some attention 
Give her something to believe!!" 

Charlie raced around the table, singing and pelting the boys with more skittles and glitter, even shoving a unicorn sticker on Cas's face. She continued to shove at the boys, shaking them like they were crazy for keeping quiet.

"'Cause now and then 
She'll get to worrying 
Just because you haven't spoken 
For so long 
Though you may not have done anything 
Will that be a consolation when she's gone

Listen boy 
It's good information from a man 
Who's made mistakes

Just a word or two that she gets from you 
Could be the difference that it makes

She's a trusting soul 
She's put her trust in you 
But a girl like that won't tell you 
What you should do

Tell her about it 
Tell her everything you feel 
Give her every reason 
To accept that you're for real

Tell her about it 
Tell her all your crazy dreams 
Let her know you need her 
Let her know how much she means

Tell her about it 
Tell her how you feel right now 
Tell her about it 
The girl don't want to wait too long 
You got to tell her about it 
Tell her now and you won't go wrong 
You got to tell her about it 
Before it gets too late 
You got to tell her about it 
You know the girl don't want 
To wait, you got to 
Tell her about it!!!!!"

Charlie stopped, collapsing on the table and panting, staring at them with a crazed look in her eyes. The guys stared at her.

"Are you okay?" Dean asked.

"Somebody admit they're gay, or I'll shoot you." She growled.

"Dean, I'm in love you." Cas announced, picking the glitter off his trenchcoat. Dean's eyes widened.

"Sammoose, I want to kiss you." Gabriel proclaimed. Sam rolled his eyes.

"I know, Gabe."

"WELL?" The archangel looked at him expectantly. Dean's wide eyed stare turned toward his brother, and Sam let out a sigh.

"Screw it- DEAN, I'M PANSEXUAL AND I'M FREAKING IN LOVE WITH GABRIEL- DEAL WITH IT." Sam turned, grabbed Gabriel, and kissed him. Charlie let out a squeak.

"Fuck it." Cas swore, for like the second time in his life, and he leaned over, quickly pressing a kiss to Dean's cheek. Dean grabbed Cas by the face and pressed their lips together.

"You're gay?!" Sam asked.

"Bi." Dean corrected. 

"I KNEW IT!"

Charlie let out a scream and melted to the floor.

"You okay?" Cas asked.

"YEP!" She declared. "I'm just glad I didn't have to go to plan B!"

"What was plan B?" Sam questioned.

"Selling my soul to make you canon."