In Another Life

148

This was going to be so hard to get through. I wasn't sure how much more I could take. I needed to forget again. I rushed through my after shower routine, not caring about my skin care so much. I towel dried my hair, then snatched the brush through it. Air dry today, because I just didn't care. It wasn't like I was trying to impress anyone. I felt the urge to cry hit me again, and I bit down on my bottom lip hard. Not right now. I couldn't deal with these feelings right now. I left the bathroom, keeping my eyes averted away from the couch, where I knew Denise was sitting, and went straight to my room, shutting and locking the door. I sat down on my bed, and took a few deep breaths. Then did the stupid thing of reaching for my phone. I couldn't seem to stop myself, even though I knew it was a bad idea. I got on Instagram, with my fan account, and saw that Colby had posted and added to his story. The picture he had posted took my breath away. It was him, just him, sitting with his back to the camera, sitting in a chair on his balcony, looking up at the stars at night. When had he taken this? Was it last night? The caption was "I see the same sky as you." I choked out a dry sob, and put my hand over my mouth to muffle the sound. It was already too much for me, this feeling of loss, of grief, of sadness. I could feel it eating my soul, overtaking my entire being, but I couldn't stop myself from hitting his little icon to see his story. He was on his balcony with Sam, laughing, and playing a drinking game called Quarters. You have shot glasses full of liquor, and try to flip a quarter into the glass. If you don't make it, you drink. If you do make it, the other person drinks. They already looked like they had both lost a few times. Sam made the flip, and Colby yelled and laughed. It was nice to see him having fun, but my brain started it's shit. See, he didn't really love me, or like me. He was having fun at that moment, and didn't seem the least bit bothered by our separation.  That's what my brain kept trying to tell me and I was believing it, until he picked up his phone and looked into the camera. It was in his eyes. The sadness, the worry, the pain. Now, I felt selfish because knowing that he felt bed, or missed me, made me feel just a tiny bit better. Only feeling better because he felt bad, really made me feel worse. I needed a drink. This entire situation was just too much. I just needed a little bit to drink. Enough to make me forget for just a little while, until I was ready to face the pain that this was causing me. I sucked in a breath, unaware that I had been holding it. It hurt, that air going down into my tight lungs, forcing me to breathe. I got dressed, an old t-shirt, and a pair of joggers being my outfit of choice. I didn't feel like making an effort. I didn't care that the t-shirt was stained with paint or that the old joggers had a hole in the ass. I just didn't care. When I finally walked out of my room, the girls were already here. Denise and Kenzie were in the kitchen, getting bowls and things for the snacks, while Sarah was sprawled on the couch, flipping through the movie selections that we had on Netflix. "Go to Hulu, it's better," Denise told her, catching my eye as I walked to the kitchen. I nodded at her, then grabbed the vodka and orange juice that I had bought earlier. I could feel her and Kenzie's eyes on me as I mixed my drink. More vodka than orange juice. Breakfast of champions, right? "Have you even eaten anything today T?" Denise asked me. I could hear the worry in her voice. I didn't turn around, keeping my back to her as I topped my drink off with orange juice. I rolled my eyes to myself. I was a grown ass woman, I knew how to take care of myself. "No, Denise, I haven't. This is my breakfast. Or lunch. I don't even know what time it is, but neither do I care." I turned to face them, as I sipped my drink. I could feel Sarah's eyes on me as well, from the couch. "Maybe you should eat something. Just like a granola bar or something. Get something on your stomach first," she replied. She grabbed one out of the bowl that we kept them in on the counter and held it out to me. "Here, just humor me." I rolled my eyes, and took it from her. "I'm a grown woman Denise. If I want to drink on an empty stomach, I will. Stop mothering me," I replied stonily. I ripped the wrapper off of the granola bar and took a big bite, before tossing it back to her. "Happy?" I asked, walking off to sit in the chair by the couch. She didn't reply, but I could still feel them watching me. I sat down in the big chair, pulling my legs up under me as I looked at the television screen. Looked like Sarah had gotten off of Netflix, but she hadn't gone to Hulu. Instead, she was on YouTube, and I was the last one to log in. So my recommended list was shining from the screen, Colby's face being the dominant factor in them all. I closed my eyes, and dropped my head down. "Oh, sorry," Sarah replied hurriedly. "Um, I was going to try and find some spooky videos, or something. I can put it back on Hulu or something though." I held up my hand and waved her off. "YouTube is fine. Can you just put it on something quick though? So I don't have to look at that," I said, waving my hand towards the screen. I couldn't stop my eyes from traveling back to his face. His gorgeous face, with that dark hair hanging down over his forehead, those blue eyes shining. Even making a shocked face for the thumbnail, he was just as handsome as ever. My heart shattered yet again.