In Another Life

169

'Because I love you' was becoming a mantra set on replay that wouldn't stop. "Because you deserve to know. I thought that I had gotten past it, gotten over you, but I knew that I was wrong when I saw you. It all came back, just as strong as before." I shook my head vigorously at his words. "No. No. You just remembered what it was like. The feelings are just left over, residual. Because we didn't have a clean break. Why would you break up with her for that? Colby, no. We can't. I love Justin. You shouldn't be saying these things to me. I should hang up on you," I replied, my words falling over each other, stumbling to get out of my mouth. What the fuck was happening right now? I felt like that stupid girl that had went to PlayList. That stupid girl that had a crush on a YouTuber and couldn't stop embarrassing herself in front of him. That stupid girl that still had that dream of being with said YouTuber. "Then why haven't you hung up yet?" he asked, his voice getting deeper. I closed my eyes, and thought of that question. Why hadn't I hung up? I didn't know. I couldn't still love him. It was just old feeling resurfacing because of what had happened. God, I needed a drink. Badly. I was the old urge a little too much tonight. So much so, that I was glad that there wasn't any alcohol in the house. I wouldn't have been able to stop myself. "Colby, this isn't okay. You can't just call me and say things like that. I haven't seen you in three years. Justin...Justin loves me. He's helped me so much, more than you know. I can't...I shouldn't be talking to you." I replied, unable to actually answer his question. "What happened after I left Terra. Sarah said that things got bad but she wouldn't tell me what. I need to know what happened," he replied, almost begging. I shook my head again. "No, that's not something that I want to talk about. It was a really bad time in my life Colby, and that's another reason why I can't- you're like a trigger. I can already feel myself- I just don't want to talk about it, okay? Not now." I couldn't. I couldn't tell him. I couldn't let him feel bad for my mistakes. "Please Terra. If you don't want to talk over the phone, then meet me. Anytime, anywhere, I don't care. Please. I just want to talk to you, to see you again. I need too," his voice broke on the last sentence and I could feel myself tearing up, my resolve breaking. "Fine. But it's only as friends. We can talk, and that's it. I can meet you....Monday. After work," I replied. I could just tell Justin that I had to work late since I was new. I had to catch up on how things worked there. That would work. I felt horrible thinking of ways to lie to him, just to see Colby, but again, I couldn't stop myself. That pull was too strong. "Yeah, okay!" his voice perked up as soon as I agreed, and an image of him smiling that big, beautiful smile popped into my head. I felt my own lips turn up at the corners. I missed him. I might not admit it to him, or anyone else, but I did. I hated that I did, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't excited to see him again, to talk to him. Just as friends, I reminded myself. Just to talk. I was nervous about telling him about my past, but I knew that I should. To make him understand why I couldn't leave Justin, why I couldn't give him another chance. He wasn't good for me. He was my drug. "You're just getting another hit," my subconscious rang in my ears. "I'm not," I thought to myself. "I'm just talking to an old friend. That's it. It'll be fine." I wasn't sure if I believed myself or not though. "What time and where should I meet you?" Colby asked, his voice still excited. "Um, I think that I have lunch at one, so one fifteen? And at my office." I gave him the address, already feeling bad and having second thoughts. "Okay, I'll see you then," he replied. "Great," I said, resigned in my decision. "Oh and T," he said, before hanging up. I sighed, "Yeah Colby." "I love you. I've always loved you and I always will love you," he said. My heart broke, and tried to escape my chest, tried to find him to give itself over to him. "Goodbye Colby," I replied, and hung up the phone. What had I done? Did I really just make a date with him? Obviously, not a real DATE but still. I was going to see him, and it was going to rip me to shreds. Why did I keep putting myself in these positions? I knew better. "Because you want to see him, you dumb bitch," I whispered to myself. I rolled my eyes and leaned over to pick up the photo album that I had dropped. I gasped when I saw that a picture had fallen out. The one of Colby and I, the one that I had never shown anyone. We were in the motel bed in Florida, naked but the camera couldn't see anything below our shoulders. We had severe bed head, and were leaning into each other, our lips pressed together, only we were also smiling. This was my favorite picture. I could never make myself get rid of it, but I didn't want Justin to see it, so I stuck it behind some other pictures for safekeeping. I picked it up, and leaned back in my chair. I ran my fingertips over his face, tracing his jawline, and his collarbone. The odds that the picture would fall out now of all times. It had been stuck behind the other pictures for a good two years now. I never brought it out. As much as I didn't want Justin to see it, I also couldn't bare to look at it. I needed my vape. I had to find my vape. I needed it. Just a hit or two and I would be fine. It was just a vape. It was nothing. I stood up suddenly, and left the albums and things on the balcony, while I went inside.