In Another Life

179

To let him have this, because I did love him. I wasn't so lucky. "Terra? Baby, what's wrong? Did I hurt you? What is it?" he murmured, coming back up and folding me into his arms. I started sobbing, unable to help it. He tightened his grip on me and pulled me tighter against him. "I know there's something wrong. You haven't been acting right since last night. Since you saw...him. Talk to me," he begged. I gulped in air, like I was starving for it, unable to utter one word. He wiped my hair back from my tear stained face, and rocked me as he murmured in my ear. "Shh, it's okay. Whatever it is, it's gonna be okay. We'll make it past this. Shhh." Over and over, he whispered comforting things in my ear, trying to calm me down which only made the situation worse, as I cried harder at how nice he was being. I didn't deserve it. For thirty minutes, I cried, no, sobbed in his arms. Sobbed because I felt horrible about what I had done. Sobbed because I was scared that Justin would leave me if he found out. No matter what I thought that I might be feeling for Colby, the fact was that I didn't know him. I knew Justin. He was stable. He had always been there for me. The worst part is that I was being selfish because I wasn't sure that I could make it without him. He kept me sane and in control. He was my rock. I sobbed even harder because I knew that I had to tell him. When I was finally able to breathe and my crying had eventually subsided into strangled hiccups, I sat up away from him. "Terra, I'm trying to give you the time you need to regain control, but this is really killing me love. I need you to talk to me. Please," he replied, his voice pleading with me. I turned to face him and the sympathy and worry that I saw in his eyes was almost enough to make me start crying again. "I messed up Justin. I'm sorry," I replied, tears filling my eyes again. He looked confused, then understanding filled his eyes. "It's okay baby. It's just a relapse. Doesn't make you any less of a person, any less strong." He went to hug me again, but I stood up, dodging his advances. "No, that's not it," I said, laughing a little because I kind of wished that was the problem. I think that may  have thought that I was going a little crazy. "What is it then T? You're starting to scare me a little," he said, eyeing me with concern. I covered my mouth for a moment, to try and regain my composure. "I'm sorry," I whispered, once I was able to speak again. "What happened T? How did you mess up?" I took a deep breath and brought my hands up so that I could twist my rings, while I held his gaze. "I met with Colby last night, Justin," I blurted out, my voice a little more than a whisper. "WHAT? HOW? WHAT?" His eyes had gotten big, and he looked so taken off guard, it would've been funny in any other circumstance. He stood up off of the bed, then sat back down, then stood up and faced me. "Why?" he asked, hurt starting to coat his voice. I sighed and shrugged my shoulders. "I'm not sure. I wasn't feeling myself last night and I was scared that I would relapse, so I asked him to meet me when he called," I replied, looking down at my hands. "He called you? How does he even have your number? And why wouldn't you just wake me like you always do when you don't feel your strongest? Why was last night any different?" I knew that he would ask me these questions, but I wasn't prepared for how angry they sounded coming out of his mouth. Or the way he looked at me when I met his gaze again. I hadn't even told him that we had kissed yet. I was starting to rethink telling him about that part. "I don't know Justin! I wasn't trying to intentionally hurt you. I would never do that. I just..." I ran my hand through my hair nervously. "I think it was just this unresolved thing that I had with Colby. I didn't plan it. It just happened and I was going out of my mind. I know that I should've woken you up and I'm sorry that I didn't, but I needed to see him." The look of utter devastation that came over his face broke my heart in two. I couldn't hurt him. I needed him. Selfishness or not, I needed Justin and I loved him. I couldn't handle losing him. That much I knew. "Just for closure. To end things on a proper note. To tell him that we would only ever be friends." His eyes started looking a little less hurt. "Did anything happen between you two last night Terra? Be honest with me please," he asked, his voice begging again. I stared at him for just a moment, before answering, contemplating. "No," I replied. "Nothing happened. We just talked. I told him about what happened in my past and how good you've been to me. He told me that he was sorry that he wasn't there for me. That he didn't know. That's about it." I made my decision. I would never tell Justin about the kiss. It would be buried in my mind and I would never speak of it. To anyone. "Are you sure?" he asked, giving me a second chance to come clean. I nodded my head and smiled at him. "Very sure. I did want to ask how you felt about me calling Kat and Tara though. Maybe hanging out with them. I told him to give them my number already." He held my gaze for a second. "I can't tell you who to be friends with T. Just be careful with your recovery. You wanna tell me how Colby got your number in the first place?" Oops. Forgot that part. "Um, Sarah might've given it to him after he begged her. Just for closure though. We had a really strong connection and we hadn't seen each other in a while." I tried to make him believe that.