In Another Life

172

It was supposed to go on my ring finger and he said that he would get it resized for me, but I liked it where it was. It fit. Colby's large hands covered mine, bringing me out of my thoughts, and my gaze shot up to his. My hands were burning with the feel of his covering mine. It was like his skin was actual electricity, and I could feel each nerve reacting to where it touched mine. "Some of it was because of you," I replied, holding his gaze. His blue eyes turned sad as he looked down at his hands covering mine. "But I don't blame you!" I blurted out, knowing that wasn't completely true. I sighed, and took my hands away from his, hiding them under the table. "That's not completely true," I replied, keeping my eyes averted from his. "I do blame you a little. I know that, logically, it's not your fault, but you are a trigger for me now. This isn't the first time that this has happened." I looked back up and met his worried gaze. "Please, don't look at me like that," I said quietly. "Like what?" he asked, folding his hands together on top of the table. "Like you don't know who I am, or like I'm some kind of damaged goods. I was this way when you met me, just not as bad as now. I thought I had a handle on it. That's why I was able to drink in Florida. I thought that I could control it. I suppose that I can when my world isn't going absolutely nuts, but we can never keep it that way, can we? Life has a way of coming back and slapping you right in the face," I looked down again, and brought one hand up, tracing a set of initials that was carved into the tabletop. "I don't think you're damaged good. If I'm looking at you like I don't know you, it's because I'm realizing that I might not. I don't know as much about you as I thought that I did, but I guess we haven't really spent that much time together, have we?" His voice was deep and low, his eyes hooded when I met his gaze again. I could feel the air thickening between us, making it hard to breathe. "Can you tell me the whole story Terra? I'd like to hear it, if you can." I nodded, and swallowed hard. This was it. I was going to tell him everything, then explain why I couldn't be friends with or see him anymore. "When I was younger, a teenager, I didn't have real friends. I thought that I did, but they only really used me for my house, because my parents were never home and we had somewhere to party. They used me for my money that I got from my parents, to buy alcohol and drugs. They used me to get away with being out past the town curfew, or for trespassing onto private property.  I   never  thought anything of it, because I just thought that's what friends did for each other. I started hanging out with these friends more and more." An image of my adolescent self, with Amber and JJ popped into my head. We were doing lines, and drinking, listening to music at my parents house when they were out of town. Amber got up and started unbuttoning her shirt, letting it hang wide open, showing her bra while she danced around the room. More people were there. A lot of people, but I couldn't remember who. I just remember seeing Amber be so free with herself and not give a shit. I wanted that feeling. With the cocaine buzzing through my body, I got up and joined her, stripping my shirt off so that I was dancing in only my bra and short shorts. I remembered some guy coming up behind me. "Terra, you okay?" Colby's deep voice broke through my thoughts again. "Um yeah. It's just hard to talk about these things." I wiped my sweaty palms on my thighs and looked back up at him. "The memories. They're tough to deal with." He nodded like he understood. Maybe he did but I doubted it. "Anyway, I got into drugs really badly. The hard kind. I was drinking every day, and smoking pot along with the other things. I got to where I didn't care who touched my body, who I had sex with as long as someone was showing me some kind of love." My voice cracked and I couldn't stop it, so I held my hand up to let Colby know to give me just a minute to regain my composure. "Oooh T," he breathed out, before he took the hand that I held up and lace his fingers with mine. I let him because it felt comforting. It helped me breathe again. "My parents found out, and told me to stop but never stayed around long enough to try and help me do that. So I did more, to spite them. To pay them back for always leaving me, and never caring. It got really bad. We were finally busted, trespassing at an old abandoned place. The cops took us all in, and called our parents. We weren't worried, because my parents always got us off. Only they didn't this time. They let us spend the night in jail. That was the first time that I experienced withdrawals from the drugs. It was awful. I was sick all night, sweating and freezing at the same time. The next day, my parents shoved me into rehab and then left on their next business trip. They never came to see me, and I was there for three months. When I got out, they restricted me, taking away my phone, my laptop, everything except YouTube and my TV. That's when I found you guys, and Denise, Sarah, and Kenzie. You guys were my saving grace. My parents might not have stayed around but neither did my friends. When my parents wouldn't give me money, or get us all out of trouble, then they didn't want me. They stopped talking to me and pretended that I didn't exist.