In Another Life

170

I rifled through the kitchen junk drawer, reaching my hand all the way to the back. There it was. I could feel the plastic ziploc bag that I had put it in for safe keeping. I had only used it three times the past two years. When I felt the urge, the addiction gnawing at my bones. I pulled it out, took it out of the bag and stared at it. There was no way the battery was still charged in it...do I charge it or just put it away. Put it away. I'm just going to put it away and go lie down. After I get my things from the balcony. I put the vape away, pushing it all the way to the back so that Justin didn't find it, and went to retrieve my things. Ugh, my God, my nerves were tingling. I hated this feeling. I needed something, anything to help me get the edge off. There was no way that I was going to be able to sleep. I grabbed my things from the balcony and quietly put them away, looking back at Justin to make sure that he was still sleeping. Yep, he was knocked out, still hugging my pillow, snoring softly. I smiled at the image that I had come to know so well, and my broken heart swelled. How could I have such strong feelings for two different men? Very different men. The feelings were different though. Justin made me feel safe, and cared for. I knew that he would always be there when I needed him. I loved him so much, and he made me feel warm and safe. Colby on the other hand, I wasn't sure if I loved him or if I craved him, or if it was just all left over feelings from before. He made me get butterflies in my stomach, my face get hot, my skin tingle when he touched me. He made my heart try to beat itself out of my body, and made me not care if he shattered it a million times, as long as he came back to do it again. I shook my head at my own thoughts, then went back to the balcony to get my phone. It was still sitting where I had left it. I picked it up and went directly to my recent calls, staring at the number that I knew would connect me to Colby. It was just after three in the morning. There's no way that he went to bed that quickly since we had gotten off the phone not that long ago. I knew that I shouldn't, but I did anyway. I heard the phone ring twice, and just before I was about to disconnect the call, his deep voice sounded through. "Hey Terra, you okay?" I swallowed hard at the sound of his voice. Fuck me, this wasn't right, and I knew it. "Hey, yeah, I'm okay," I whispered back since I was in my living room. Neither of us spoke for a couple of minutes, just letting the clock tick by while we listened to each other breathing. "So..." he started. "Did you need something, or you just wanna talk or what?" I sighed into the phone and sat down on the couch, throwing my head back. "I don't know why I called you Colby. I just did. I had to do something, because I was feeling..." I let my voice drift off and shook my head. When I got those urges that wouldn't go away, I would usually wake Justin, or call him, and he would talk me through them. Why did I call Colby? He doesn't even know about my problem. This was dumb. "Nevermind, I'll let you go. I don't know what I was thinking," I said quietly. "No, wait!" he replied, just as I was bringing the phone down from my ear. I brought it back up and stayed quiet. "Are you still there?" he asked hopefully. "yeah, I'm here," I whispered back, staring at the ceiling. "You don't have to tell me what you're feeling if you don't want too, but I want you to know that you can. You can tell me anything T. I will listen. I don't care what it's about. I want you to know that I'm not going anywhere. I'll always be here for you from now on, even if you don't want me. I'm not giving up without a fight. I need you in my life." Did he really have to go that hard on me? I felt the warm tears start to trickle down my cheeks, and wiped them away with the back of my hand. "This was a mistake," I replied, my voice breaking. "No, no it wasn't," he said hurriedly. "You called me, because you wanted too. Somewhere, deep inside of you, you know that it's me you want. It's okay if you don't see it yet. You will. Until then, I'll listen to whatever you want to talk about. I'll be your friend Terra. I'll be whatever you need," Please stop talking, I thought in my head. I couldn't deal with him saying these things to me. "Meet me. Now," I heard the words come out of my mouth. What the fuck was I doing? "Okay," he replied back automatically. "Where?" I told him the name of a local bar near me, and said goodbye. Should I go? I just needed someone to talk too. The urge was killing me and I knew that I was going to do something stupid if I didn't talk to someone. My subconscious kept asking me questions that I didn't have the answers too. "Why don't you just wake Justin and talk to him? Why don't you call or text your sponsor? You know that either of them will talk you through this. Why are you meeting Colby? In secret? At a bar, no less." "I don't know," I moaned aloud, scrubbing my face with both of my hands. It doesn't matter. I had done what I had done. Time to meet Colby. I would tell him not to come see me on Monday. That this was it. This was the final time. My heart starting thumping in my chest as I went downstairs to call an Uber.I had to do this. No matter what, I couldn't let Colby become part of my life again. There was no way that I could deal with it. Not if I was already feeling this way. The closer the Uber got, the more nervous I got. I got a text and checked it, seeing that Colby had already arrived at the bar and was waiting on me.