Imagines and One-Shots (Book Three)

Losing Myself (Ashton Irwin) *

requested by anonymous on tumblr (http://daniellesimagines.tumblr.com/post/168064337257/hey-so-this-might-be-sort-of-a-weird-request)

Warning: Mention of self-harm

~

You had just flown into the city your boyfriend's band was playing the next night after a frantic call from Luke. He'd only called you the previous afternoon to inform you what was happening with Ashton, but he wasn't at all surprised to hear you say you were on your way there right before you hung up – he knew how much you worried about Ashton when he was on tour, and he would have been shocked if you said you weren't coming to see him, to be honest.

You honestly felt like you were going to throw up from worry as you hurried down the long hotel hallway. Ashton had a tendency to bottle up his emotions until he just couldn't hold them in anymore, and more often than not, he would take it out on himself. You really thought he was getting better – he seemed so much happier in the recent months – but apparently, you were wrong.

The moment you reached the room Luke told you they were staying in, it felt like an eternity before someone finally opened the door. Calum looked at you with a sad smile, knowing exactly why you were there.

"Where is he?!" you practically shouted, pushing past him and walking into the room.

"Y/N?" you heard behind you, "What are you doing here?" 

You spun around to face Ashton as he came out of the bathroom. Letting out a shaky sigh of relief, you ran the five feet to him, wrapping your arms tightly around his waist and laying your head on his chest.

"Luke called yesterday," you mumbled, feeling his arms snake around you as well.

"He told you what happened?" he muttered. You could tell he looked at the boy sitting on the bed behind you.

"We should give you guys some privacy," Michael spoke up, ushering Calum and Luke out of the room as well. Calum immediately headed out the door while Luke got up and walked over.

"She had the right to know, Ash," he stated simply, "And I'm sorry I told her without your knowledge, but you could see the scars during meet and greet and I wasn't going to let her find out from people on Twitter." He left with the other two boys, leaving you alone with your boyfriend.

You were already in tears, mentally kicking yourself for it as you swore to yourself on the way there that you weren't going to cry. Ashton could feel his shirt getting wet and instantly felt even worse than before.

"Baby-" You cut him off.

"Why do you always do this when I'm thousands of miles away?" You were full-on sobbing now and you couldn't make yourself stop. "Why can't you ever just call me when you're feeling that bad? Why can't you talk to the boys or I before turning to a razor?"

"You really wanna know why?" he asked, his voice muffled as he kissed the top of your head. You barely nodded, so he took a deep breath and let it out. "Because I know you guys will stop me," he told you honestly, "I know that you'll convince me not to do it. I hate that you all feel like you have to watch me 24/7. And I hate that I do it too, Y/N – believe me – but it's really hard not to sometimes..." he trailed off.

You heard him sniffle, making you move your head back so you could look at him. He removed one of his arms from you, bringing his hand up to wipe his face before letting go of you altogether. Ashton trudged to the bed, climbing up and propping himself up against the headboard. You just stood there, unsure of what to do.

"Everyone always tells me I'm the glue that holds the band together," he continued in a quiet tone, his eyes avoiding yours, "And it makes me feel weak to talk about how worthless and broken I'm feeling all the time." You shifted uncomfortably on your feet, staring at him in a bit of shock.

"Ash," you said in a barely audible whisper, but he must have heard it because he finally looked up at you. You shook your head slowly, "No one expects you to always hold it together. We keep an eye on you because we love you. We're constantly worried about you, Ashton, and until you understand that that's not going to change, we're always going to nag you about how you're feeling. We never want you to feel like you have to carry the burdens of whatever you're feeling alone."

The sob he let out was a quick and silent one, but it made you hurry to the bed and sit next to him, cuddling as close to him as you could get. He laid his head on your chest and let everything he'd been holding in out while you just rubbed his back and pressed long kisses to his temple along with whispered confessions of every single thing you loved about him.