imagines :)

Chris evans imagine

pairing: Chris Evans x fem!reader

warnings: depression, sadness, self harm, self hate

word count: 1.4k

a/n: ok so ive been thinking about writing this type of thing for a while; also if its in italic its a thought; y/f/n meant your full name

also this is a look inside my mind so be prepared.

just fyi, dont ever hate yourself. you look the way you look, for a reason, to be different. its okay to be different, dont ever hate yourself, dont ever put yourself down for something that makes you unique. if you ever need to talk to someone my inbox is open.

I love you all.

it comes and goes. some days you were really good at hiding it. others you weren't so good at it. being the girlfriend of a celebrity was hard enough. but that celebrity being Chris Evans? the standards are set so high by other people you're struggling to meet them.

always having this pressure to look a certain way, act a certain way, this and that, gets to you.

but it would get to anybody, right?

you dont know how he does it. goes out into the public, with a sea of paparazzi just waiting for that one moment, that perfect picture of him. you dont know how he still manages to get panic/anxitey attacks and still goes out on stage and kill it. it is amazing.

Chris was away filming for Infinity war, you really started to miss him. he was coming home in a couple weeks, and they couldn't come fast enough.

the world felt like it was weighing on your chest, it felt like you were sinking into your bed, and you couldn't get up. it felt like everybody was staring at you, and you couldn't make them stop.

no matter how much you tried to keep your life private, you always felt exposed. no matter what lengths you and Chris went to, you always felt this way.

you didn't know you were still awake, you moved your head to look a the clock on your nightstand, 4:19 am, how?

you didn't think twice about calling him, you needed to hear his voice of assurance.

'y/n? is everything okay?' his voice was rough, you soon realized you woke him up, 'oh-oh yeah im, f-f-fine-fine. I dont know why I called you, im sorry-ry.'

you didn't know you were crying until you felt a tear drop hit your wrist and felt a sting, from the impact on your new cut. you told yourself you wouldn't do it again, but the voices and insecurities got the best of you. they always do.

you continued rambling on until Chris cut you off, 'hey, hey baby calm down, just breathe.' he started inhaling and exhaling over the phone, he knew that it would help calm both of you down, he too was worried and scared, he had no clue what was going on.

the breathing technique was something you started to do with Chris when you first started dating, when he had his first panic attack with you, that was what you did. and ever since then its worked.

after you had calmed down, he started to talk again. 'y/n, are you better now?' 'yeah' you said through a sigh, 'when will you be coming home?' your voice was shaky, every syllable slurred together, 'next Tuesday baby.' after he said Tuesday your eyes were stinging again, you didn't think you could make it to Tuesday.

'is there anyway you c-could come earlier?' you asked, to embarrassed to tell him why you needed him there. he sighed, 'I can work something out, is that okay?' you slightly smiled, 'mhm, yeah thats okay'